Carey writes that childhood enemies may provide “objects of hatred onto which they can project the traits in themselves that they find most offensive.” It’s not clear, at least from Carey’s take, whether said projection actually help kids work on their “offensive” traits — indeed, the benefit of enemies seem to have more to do with relating to others than with improving the self. Carey notes that “a truly devious enemy can prepare a young person to sniff out and avoid false or unreliable allies in adult life, when betrayals can be much more dangerous.” And perhaps most interestingly, kids who respond to others’ hatred in kind score higher on assessments of “social competence” — that is, according to psychologist Melissa Witkow, “when someone dislikes you, it may be adaptive to dislike them back.”
It’s possible that kids with good social skills to begin with simply intuit that the best defense is a good offense. But it’s also possible that they can boost their “social competence” by responding to their enemies. Anybody who was shunned by a former friend in childhood remembers the pain of that experience — and how fruitless it often was to try to win that friend back. Maybe, as with a romantic breakup, hate is actually healthier. And maybe when others see you responding to an enemy in non-doormat fashion, they actually develop more respect for you. Of course, this approach probably works less well the more enemies — and the fewer allies — a kid has. It’s also kind of cutthroat — what my mom always called “rising above it” apparently isn’t all that helpful (of course, I could have told her this, and did, in eighth grade). I doubt that teachers or other adults are ever going to advocate reciprocal hate as a way of resolving conflicts — nor, probably, should they. But in the confusing world of childhood social life, it’s kind of nice to know that saying “fuck you” to your enemies can actually win you friends.
Image via Cheryl Casey/Shutterstock.com.
Can An Enemy Be A Child’s Friend? [NYT]
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