The doctor’s office is a place where we’re often at our most vulnerable. And when doctors are judgmental, be it about our sexual history, our relationship status, our orientation, or our weight, it can be hard to know how to respond. Below, some tips on handling this difficult situation.
Know what to expect.
Anybody who’s been to a doctor recently knows this well, but it’s worth reiterating: asking certain questions is part of a doctor’s job. Some of these questions may be sensitive, but that doesn’t mean they’re invasive. I talked to Jaclyn Friedman, author of the brand-new What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety, who explains, “It’s totally appropriate for a doctor to want to know the equipment of people you’re sleeping with, and if you’re sexually active. That has to do with disease prevention, and whether or not you need birth control.” It’s also reasonable for them to ask if you feel safe in your current relationship, if you have one. A caveat: these questions make sense at a gynecological visit, yearly physical, or your first intake with a new doctor — barring extraordinary circumstances, they don’t make sense if you go in with a sore throat.
I also talked to Stef Maruch of FatFriendlyDocs.com, who says, “it’s reasonable for a doctor to tell you that weight might contribute to a problem you have, and to ask if you want to discuss weight loss as a treatment, assuming you haven’t already told them you don’t want to.” It’s not necessarily comfortable to talk about your sex life or your weight with someone you barely know, but knowing that these things might come up will help you mentally prepare — and help you recognize what’s out of line.
Know what’s not okay.
Friedman explains that while “collecting information is fine,” doctors shouldn’t “editorialize.” Lena Chen of The Ch!cktionary puts it another way:
They should make absolutely NO snarky comments on your sex life, whether you have one or not. Emotions your doctor should not be visibly experiencing include: astonishment, disgust, horror, or envy.
Explaining how to protect yourself against STDs or unintended pregnancy is a positive thing. Telling you that you had too many partners in the last month isn’t. Similarly, Maruch offers a list of unhelpful medical responses to weight issues:
Pushing weight loss after you’ve said you aren’t seeking weight loss advice.
Blaming your problem solely on your weight. There are no health problems that are caused solely by fat, and for problems that fat contributes to, it’s virtually guaranteed that there are many fat people of your size and larger who don’t have the problem. So weight is never the whole story and a doctor shouldn’t say that it is.
Assuming that all fat people overeat, eat junk food, and/or don’t exercise.
Refusing to believe you when you talk about what you eat and what kinds of exercise you do.
Expressing disgust. Being unwilling to physically examine you.
“Medical cursing” — e.g., “If you don’t lose weight, you’ll be dead by the time you’re 40.” There are statistics about the outcomes of various health problems, but no doctor knows the exact outcome for a
specific individual.
Refusing to treat or diagnose you until you lose weight. If they don’t have sufficient experience with people of your size to treat or diagnose your conditions, they should refer you to someone who does.
Bringing up your weight in the middle of an uncomfortable procedure. (I’ve heard multiple stories about doctors who stick a speculum into a woman’s vagina and then start haranguing her about her weight.)
These are some examples, but a bad interaction with a doctor is also something you’ll probably know when you see it. Says Jess Zimmerman, XOJane contributor and author of “Dear Doctors, Quit It With the Weight Bullying,”
Being able to tell when someone thinks ill of you is not exactly the triple axel of social interaction; a lot of people can manage it, even if they can’t necessarily break down what’s making them feel that way. If you feel belittled, if you feel uncomfortable, if you feel ashamed, your doctor is DOING IT WRONG.
Make a “simple, direct correction.”
Friedman notes that if you’re feeling judged, or if someone has made an incorrect assumption about you, it can be hard to respond right away. That’s fine, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to. But “if you’re capable of doing it in the moment,” she says, “just making a simple, direct correction is probably the best strategy.” She notes that doctors will probably be reluctant to get into a long discussion, simply because today’s healthcare realities mean “they’re on the clock,” and a direct statement may be the most effective response. Zimmerman offers an example:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
