How to Vote Responsibly for People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2023

Make an informed decision when casting your ballot in the most important election occurring in September 2023.


Joe Burrow

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Joe Burrow
Hamilton, Kelce, Ohtani, Burrow :

Being athletic is one of the easiest ways to be hot in the sexy man canon. Though, it is also the easiest way to be a completely unknown to me. That didn’t stop me from looking up these men to keep you, dear voter, informed.

Pros: Has a car. Supports women driving similar cars.

Cons: Sponsored by Monster Energy—I imagine he drinks a lot of the stuff? Bleh.

Pros: Is allegedly “quietly hanging out” with Taylor Swift. Sounds like a nice thing to do with a man.

Cons: Was weird about Taylor Swift not hanging out with him after her show? She has to rest!

Pros: I admittedly know very little about baseball star Ohtani except that he is very good at pitching and hitting home runs. So it sounds like he is good at his job? Hot.

Cons: I will reserve judgement on this man I know very little of, though perhaps that is evidence he is still a few years off from earning the title.

Pros: Pro-abortion rights king!!

Cons: Has been rocking a hauntingly ‘90s haircut recently.

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