I Got Drunk And Looked At Kim Davis


Kim Davis, a newly registered member of the Republican party and lazy clerk, was given the Family Research Council’s Cost of Discipleship Award on Friday evening. I drank four wines and then I went to watch it happen.

For someone who is supposedly the savior of American Christianity, she doesn’t seem to have much of a fanbase among the Values Voter attendees. The crowd for Davis’ award ceremony was fairly paltry compared to the crowd that had gathered for the morning and afternoon plenaries.

The press section alone was mostly empty, compared with this morning when I had to sit on a RH Reality Check reporter’s lap. Just kidding I sat on a chair but it was hard to find.

Anyway, I drank a bunch of wines and then I got there kind of early while Lt. Col Ollie North was speaking, so I left and drank another in the hotel bar. I ordered a white wine (because that’s what I like) and the bartender asked if I wanted a small or large — I have never heard of this before. I asked for a small and he filled up a wine glass all the way to the top. Crazy! While I drank it (not all of it but some of it) all I could think was “I’m in House of Cards, I’m in House of Cards, I’m in House of Cards.” Nobody talked to me and I am still alive, but it still felt very dangerous.

Then I returned to the main Regency Ballroom, the site of all my pains and pleasures of the day, where I caught the tail end of Rep. Louie Gohmert’s sad speech.

Last year, the first-ever award was given to Mariam Ibraheem, a Sudanese Christian woman who was sentenced to death and spent months in a prison cell with her toddler son and infant daughter. And this year, the FRC chose to give the organization’s highest honor to Kim Davis. If I was Ibraheem I would be p.i.s.s.e.d. So pissed. Like, wow. Way harsh, Tai/FRC.

The excitement is building so let’s transition into the present tense:

8:33 p.m. – Holy crap, there was a guy who waved a tri-cornered hat in the first row all day and he is here waving it now. Currently a man named Mat (no sic; that is how he spells his name) Staver is giving a drawn out introduction to Davis. Seriously, we all know who she is. Let’s get going.

8:34 p.m. – There is a cup of coffee next to my computer that I keep picking up like it’s mine. It’s not; it belongs to a stranger who has left this hell room and gone to a fun bar or discotek, or maybe is dead.

8:40 p.m. – Now Tony Perkins is out. “I never envisioned that I would see a woman imprisoned in the United States of America imprisoned for her faith in Jesus Christ,” he says, comparing Ibraheem to Lazy Clerk Davis TM (I TMed just now— I filed the paperwork; don’t check on this).

8:40 p.m. Now, Martin Luther King Jr. has been invoked and there is no one here to say “What the fuck.” No one but me, and I am incapacitated.

8:41 p.m. -“There should be Kim Davises in every level of elected office,” -Tony Perkins.

8:42-8:44 p.m. – Oh my God, she’s here and crying and everyone is standing even the press booth and why am I here? And now she’s still crying and patting her heart. This has gone on for two minutes.

8:46 p.m. – Perkins said a brief speech invoking Dred Scott and now he and Davis are entangled in an intimate hug. Davis has taken to the mic armed with two tissues.

8:47 p.m. – She is crying so hard. Now she is talking. “I feel so very undeserving. I want to start by thanking my Lord and my savior Jesus Christ, because without him none of this would have ever been possible, for he is my strength that carries me and it is his mercies that follow me everyday and it is his love that endures all things,” she said. “[I have also learned that God’s] timing is always perfect. I have discovered through all this that his grace is sufficient in all things. I am only one but WE ARE MANY!!!!!!!”

8:48 p.m. – And now it’s over. And now she’s walking off to very goofy music.

What did I just see.

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