Interpreting the Layers of Lady Gaga's New Music Video for "G.U.Y."

I have not taken the time or patience to listen to ARTPOP all the way through, but if it’s anything like this video, I’m assuming it’s a collage of ideas that aren’t quite thought out all the way, but it doesn’t matter because the production value is off the chain. Really though, what the actual fuck is going on here?

After presumably being shot out of the sky for money hungry hotties in suits, a winged Gaga—using imagery reminiscent of a harpy perhaps, or the Winged Victory of Samothrace, or probably just Selita Ebanks from Kanye West’s ‘Runaway‘ video—is taken to a Roman bath “HAUS.” (Not gonna lie, the set is gorgeous.)

There, she is lovingly baptized by a congregation of hotties and then proceeds to dance in a series of rooms…all full of hotties. Then a bunch of Stepford-esque Real Housewives show up and then Andy Cohen shows up as some god-like face in the sky in a true but very vague and confusing comment on television and fame. Probably. Whatever, as long as they’re getting paid, right?

Then Gaga resurrects truly game-changing iconic historical figures like Jesus and Gandhi and a Michael Jackson impersonator, drawing their blood in the name of G.U.Y.

With the martyrs’ blood in hand, Gaga pulls a true Mad Max-meets-Italian Job twist, and (I’m guessing) injects those money-hungry businessmen from the beginning with the aforementioned blood. She undoes their capitalist brainwashing and re-brainwashes them into dapper-as-fuck Gaga-worshipping clones.

So in the end, only the blood of dead people and stagnant poolwater can transform us from greedy men-drones to slightly better-dressed, well-choreographed…men-drones.

But the best part? The fact that this eight-minute music video has about four minutes of credits. So don’t be deceived by the 11:46 timestamp on the video. Yep. Artpop, indeed.