On Thursday, a harmless conversation about the state of belts lit a fire within the Jezebel staff. As it turns out, most of the staff does not wear belts, and haven’t worn a belt in years. (I, on the other hand, was wearing a woven leather monstrosity with an oversize Western-style buckle at the time, but to each their own.) One thing the team seemed to agree on, however, is that the Gucci belt everyone, their mother, and their favorite Instagram influencer appears to wear these days should absolutely kick the bucket. You know the one: a plain black belt with the gaudy, golden, double-G logo affixed to the middle as buckle. I’ve never worn one—if I had $450 to blow, I’d toss that to my student loan debt—but I refuse to believe it is particularly comfortable. Like, imagine you’re wearing tight-yet-flattering black skinny jeans with this girdle, and you need to sit down. Your stomach is gonna get torn up, there’s absolutely no question about it.
Beyond the inevitable grief caused by metal scrapping the lower abdomen, this belt simply… sucks? It’s boring. There’s nothing to it besides a brand logo, which quite frankly cheapens the whole thing. I can’t imagine anyone who desires this belt wants it for any reason other than to show off, to relish in the fact that they have wealth, damnit, and they want you to know about it. There are better ways to do that. You could pay off my student loan debt, for example.
