Guy With No Friends Uses Anti-Abortion Rally to Brag About Recently Having Sex 

The March for Life rally took place in Washington, D.C. on Friday, though some more apt names for the event might be the March for Fetuses Beause Women Are Just Wombs, the Anti-Abortion Rally Against Pregnant People, or the Christian Nationalist Gathering for Forced Birthers. Speakers included House Speaker Mike Johnson, who monitors his porn intake with his son, and Vice President JD Vance, who reassured the anti-abortion movement that there’s plenty more legislation to take away the rights of women and pregnant people on the way, and who also did nothing to dispel my suspicion that there’s some kind of fucked-up White House pregnancy pact going on.

“Some of you may remember that in my remarks last year, that one of the things I most wanted in the United States of America was more families and more babies,” he began his speech. Vance, indeed, during his first speech as Vice President in January 2025, told the March for Life crowd that he, specifically, wanted more beautiful young Americans to procreate. Every time I’m forced to remember this, I get an overwhelming urge to lobotomize myself.

“So let the record show that you have a vice president who practices what he preaches,” Vance continued on Friday, which actually made me throw up a little in my mouth. The crowd sounded absolutely delighted to hear their forced-birth leader bragging about recently having had sex—they cheered, giggled, there were a few scandalized gasps, and I swear, if you listen closely, you can hear two guys who love Nick Fuentes and think masculinity is wearing a $200,000 watch high-fiving each other.

At another point in his 20-minute speech, delivered behind bullet-proof glass, Vance discussed convincing Usha to have another kid: “When Usha and I were having the debate about whether we were gonna’ have a fourth kid, I said, ‘Honey, we’ve got an expanded child tax credit and we’ve got the Trump accounts, we’ve gotta’ take advantage of this stuff.'” Yes, she sucks, and is complicit in everything, but still,  sounds like someone was forced into a pregnancy pact to me!

Vance also touted a bunch of the administration’s anti-abortion achievements over the past year, a few of which were framed by lies, and all of which go against the GOP’s purported belief in states’ rights.

“Where the previous administration mandated taxpayer funding for abortion, including travel costs, across the entire government, this administration ended it,” Vance said. The Hyde Amendment already forbids taxpayer money from being used for abortion—and has since it was passed in 1976—so whatever Vance is talking about here is simply untrue. He also bragged about the administration forcing Illinois this week to get rid of a law that requires health care providers to refer patients to abortion services if they ask (they don’t have to perform an abortion, just provide information, god forbid), claiming the anti-patient-rights achievement “was a big one.”

But one of my favorite lines was when he addressed anti-abortion activists who’ve worked “to live in a country where questions of life would be answered by we the people rather than tyrants and rogues.” A majority of Americans continue to support abortion rights. My second favorite line was when he said, “We have secured religious freedom in the United States of America once again, that was important.” This administration keeps confusing religious freedom with Christian Nationalism—so silly!

He then segued into assuring the anti-abortion movement that, even if it seems like the administration isn’t moving fast enough to roll back reproductive rights and women’s access to healthcare, in general, they have nothing to worry about.

“I want to address an elephant in the room, a fear that some of you have that not enough progress has been made, that not enough has happened in the political arena, that we’re not going fast enough,” Vance said. “That our politics have failed to answer the clarion call to life. I want you to know I hear you and I understand.”

About a week ago, Politico published a report revealing that top anti-abortion leaders were threatening to withhold midterm support because Trump hadn’t been doing enough to advance their agenda. In December, Bloomberg reported that FDA Commissioner Marty Makary has been stalling a needless FDA review into the abortion pill, mifepristone, until after the 2026 midterms—since, again, abortion rights are popular with voters.

“We have made tremendous strides over the last year, and we’re going to continue to make strides over the next three years to come,” Vance continued. I know half the country told us (liberals, feminists, women, etc.) to shut up and fuck off when we said Trump was going to overturn Roe, but I would really like to emphasize here that if Democrats can’t flip the House and Senate in November, we are truly fucking fucked.

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