How does a newly elected vice president—who ran with a guy who kept saying he’d leave abortion to the states and nothing more—loudly and proudly make clear that he is super fucking anti-abortion without actually saying, “I am super fucking anti-abortion”? He chooses an anti-abortion rally as the spot to deliver his first official speech as vice president!
On Friday, Vice President JD Vance, along with House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.), attended the March for Life rally in Washington D.C., the largest anti-abortion gathering in the country, which has taken place every January since 1974. Vance essentially said that he wants everyone to fuck solely for the purpose of procreation—which is ironic coming from a guy who may or may not have fucked a couch.
“I want more babies in the United States of America,” Vance told the crowd. “I want more happy children in our country, and I want beautiful young men and women who are eager to welcome them into the world and eager to raise them.” I hate to be this person, but that’s a real Gilead-ass sentence. He added that Trump will be “the most pro-family, most pro-life American president of our lifetimes.” Gross. Also, as Gov. Tim Walz (D-Minn.) (and should-be vice president) pointed out over the summer, caring this much about what people do in their bedrooms is just fucking weird.
Johnson, who, never forget, monitors his porn intake with his son, further told the crowd, “Together, we are rebuilding a culture of life, and it begins now.” I bet the orgy category on Pornhub hates to see him coming.
In his first week as president, Trump—who spoke to the crowd in a pre-recorded video and basically said the same shit as Vance and Johnson—got rid of reproductiverights.org, reinstated the so-called “global gag rule” on abortion, and pardoned 23 anti-abortion activists (some of whom violently blockaded clinic entrances). Hilariously, this wasn’t even close to satisfactory for anti-abortion activists at the rally, who told Politico that Vance and Trump’s remarks weren’t specific enough, with one woman saying Vance’s speech was “disappointing.” These people won’t be happy until there’s a tracking device and a leash on every womb in America.
