Jenna Elfman Makes Wobbly Argument For Scientology's Upside

In a startling defense of Scientology that may cause you to forget you ever read/watched Going Clear, sat through The Master, listened to Tom Cruise’s critiques on antidepressants, or wondered where the hell Shelley Miscavige is, longtime Scientologist and former Dharma Jenna Elfman claimed the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard are a “huge part” of what keeps her marriage alive.

In an interview with People, brought to my attention by Page Six, Elfman discussed her two-decade marriage to Bodhi Elfman, saying:

“I’ve been a Scientologist for 28 years and that’s a huge part of what helps us keep our communication going and our relationship. We’ve never cheated on each other, we’ve never broken up. We hang in there, raising children, maintaining my sanity in a crazy world. Our world is crazy, it’s getting crazier and Hollywood is the ne plus ultra of crazy.”

If you’re laughing at the thought of someone implying that Scientology is the antidote to crazy, please take comfort in knowing that I am too. In fact, I can’t stop!

This is what we in the media—you know, big time journalists such as myself—like to call “a take,” and boy howdy is it a good one. I can see her headline in The New York Times’ opinion section now: Why This Crazy World Could Use Scientology. Subhead: One actor’s case for going clear. What’s funny is that it’s a cult!

Elfman went on:

“I think that anything that works tends to get attacked. It’s been so workable for me.”

The argument for Scientology—that it “works for me” (aka I joined and then became rich and famous)—is one of my favorite end-justifies-the-means arguments, because how often are the “means” in these sorts of scenarios the alien-related ramblings of a science-fiction writer turned vicious, egomaniacal cult leader who ultimately handed the reins over to a man who would ultimately become Tom Cruise’s friend, allegedly via a combination of blackmail and Stockholm Syndrome?

Jenna your marriage may be great but you are also in a cult. Accept Leah’s calls, please. 28 years is enough.