Local Chicago Man Would Like Women to Smile, Accept His Advances

By Kara Brown | October 8, 2014 | 9:50pm

A human fedora hat in Chicago posted an open letter to Craigslist reminding the women of his city to smile and dress pretty so he can assault you with this unwanted advances. You know, helpful, necessary advice.

It reads:

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Dear Single Women of Chicago,

You hear that, ladies? Just the single ones. Because if he doesn’t have a a shot at sleeping with you, you don’t exist. Also, apparently this asshole has some sort of special creep power where he is able to tell whether or not a woman is in a relationship simply by the clothes she’s wearing.

Fall is now upon us, bringing aspects that make it among my favorite times of the year: when you ladies break out the sexy boots, don stylish flared skirts with leggings, and wrap yourself in lush wool or cashmere sweaters that coyly accentuate your bosom.

The only appropriate response I have to that drivel is:

I’m dying to stop you on the street and pay you the occasional compliment (“You’re really rocking that tweed dress today – I love your style.”). But I can’t – because you’re always walking around with your damn earbuds in (“Don’t talk to me!”) and your sunglasses on, even when they’re not necessary (which incidentally doesn’t make you look cool or sexy, only unapproachable). I can’t speak for my male brethren, but for this guy? So. Frustrating.

Little does this idiot know that he’s confirming to women around the globe that the tactics we’ve developed to avoid street harassment are working. They’re wearing the earbuds to ward off men exactly like you, genius. You ever notice how women don’t wear earbuds when they’re out to brunch with friends? Or when they’re with someone they actually like? Maybe there’s something to that.

You’ll note that our Pickup Artist Academy dropout made note of his deep frustration. This truly is the crux of street harassment and most unwanted attention women receive: men thinking that anybody gives a god damn about their frustration.

That women exist for men—for their personal enjoyment and visual pleasure and that we must all find a solution when a man is not getting exactly what he wants.

That ending street harassment requires men to just exercise some fucking impulse control and they simply don’t feel that they should have to.

A greater effort needs to be made to inform men that the world is not concerned with pleasing you. Random women on the street are not concerned with pleasing you. Women owe you nothing. I understand that having grown up in a patriarchal society, this is difficult news to process, but you are irrelevant to the vast majority of women you come in contact with and the sooner your realize that, the better.

The level of presumptuousness and self-involvement that one must possess in order to believe that women you don’t even know should alter their behavior to please you is the height of penis delusion.

So, take my unsolicited missive here for what it’s worth. I just hope it improves the odds going forward that at least one of you will be in a better position to hear me tell you that I love the way that scarf matches your eyes.

Your unsolicited advice is worth nothing and none of those women give a fuck what you think of their scarves, you Tucker Max blowup doll.

He signs the letter:

Your 40 Year-Old, Male, Single, 5’10”, Fit, Bald, Caucasian, Hazel-Eyed, Overeducated, Nice Dressing, Wine- and Food-Obsessed, West Loop-living Secret Admirer

You can’t even make fun of that! That description, much like this man’s entire existence, in and of itself is a glorious, nightmarish joke.

P.S.: Oh, and by the way, it’d be nice if your default expression was a smile – or, at worst, a merely neutral expression – instead of a scowl that says, “I’ll cut you off at the knees if you try to talk to me.” C’mon, is life really that bad? Just sayin’.

Ah, yes, truly no attempt at policing the behavior of women is complete without telling them to smile.

This guy is clearly a moron and in many ways his letter is funny, but this type of behavior really is dangerous. A woman just died because she refused to give a man her phone number for Christ’s sake.

While those spoofs and videos about an alternate world where women are the ones who street harasses men are funny, they miss the point. Street harassment isn’t just uncomfortable or annoying. It can be very scary. Why is this guy stopping me? What if he doesn’t take no for an answer? What if he follows me home? What if he tries to grab me? These are questions that women ask themselves every single day as they just try to get to work or pick up a carton of milk. Behavior like this is a direct threat to our ability to go about living our lives without constant anxiety.

Finally, to the menace to society who wrote this letter, I want to say one more thing: perhaps the reason all those women are scowling is because men like you won’t leave them the fuck alone.

Image via Shutterstock/Laborant; gif via.