Look at the Nice Fireworks Accused Sexual Harasser Andrew Cuomo Bought for Everyone!

To celebrate winning covid and possibly detract from sexual harassment allegations, the New York governor plans to scare everyone's dogs.

Look at the Nice Fireworks Accused Sexual Harasser Andrew Cuomo Bought for Everyone!
Image:Mary Altaffer-Pool (Getty Images)

To celebrate the end of the covid-19 restrictions in his state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is planning to scare the shit out of everyone’s dog with surprise fireworks and hope nobody brings up the fact that lots and lots of women have accused him of sexually harassing them.

Cuomo—who has been accused by 10 different women of unwanted touching and advances that for the most part remain glaringly unaddressed—would very much like everyone to look up at the pretty explosions and thank him for ending covid:

“To celebrate and honor, we’re going to light all the state assets—Empire State Building in blue and gold—and we’re going to have fireworks all across the state of New York to celebrate and honor the essential workers,” Cuomo said in this afternoon’s announcement. “It’s our way of saying thank you all across the state to the essential workers, to celebrate our reopening, our reimagining, and to remind all New Yorkers, join the success. You want to honor essential workers, I’ll tell you how: you get vaccinated so you don’t need essential workers again.”

With no more covid-19 restrictions to lift every time a new accuser comes forward—and having already pulled the “My Italian heritage makes my terrible behavior permissible” card—Cuomo is perhaps hoping that explosions will be the final ticket to getting people to stop saying that he is a creep who is bad at his job. Guess we’ll see!

It is also notable that Cuomo is deploying fireworks to convey his message considering that last summer New York police officers used illegal fireworks as an excuse to harass Black citizens, likely in retaliation for Black Lives Matter protests happening around the city.

But for Cuomo whatever can change the press around him from “Guy Who Might Be Holding Up a Victim’s Rights Bill So Accusers Can’t Sue” to “Look at This Nice Man Who Put on a Fireworks Show” will do just fine. Unfortunately for him, our fun new subheads mean I do not have to choose.

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