March Madness Drugs vs. Alcohol: Meet Your Sweet Sixteen!


I’m shakin’! I got the sweats! The doctor says I have a fever and the only cure is moooooooooooore MARCH MADNESS.

Let’s take a moment to talk about the results of yesterdays trials because there were SO MANY UPSETS. Red Wine got smashed out of the running by Cham-FUCKING-pagne! Blue Moon eclipsed Rosé, almost as if no one had ever heard the Rosé is the nectar of the summer gods (they mad now, btw, so enjoy your extended winter). Sangria beat Guinness! Xanax beat Prozac! Mushrooms beat Quaaludes! LSD beat Molly! Margarita beat Gin! You chose IPAs over PBR (the cheap-o in me weeps), Vodka over Brandy, Scotch over So-Co, Weed over Bath Salts, Coke over Ayahuasca (which I can now spell without looking, thank you), Caffeine over Immodium, Advil over Oxycontin, Jack Daniels over Jungle Juice and — in a victory of less than 100 votes — Vicodin triumphed over Valium.

Check out the updated bracket while you give me a second to catch my breath. (And, as always, you can print out your own bracket here.)

Now, onto today’s competition. Voters, heeeeeeeere are your Sweet Sixteen.

Starting with Illegal Drugs and working our way to a gentle come-down:

It’s Sticky Icky! The Cheeba! The Gange! Top seed Weed (1) herself is billowing into the arena with mega chill vibes and the thirst to ruin Magic Mushrooms (4). Mushrooms, to its credit, isn’t all that worried. Its just sitting in the corner, weeping and laughing about the beauty of nature. Best of luck to it, but all my money is on Mary Jane.

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Next we have Coke (2), preferred fun dip of banker bros and disco queens alike, coming fast and intense (seriously, calm down, coke; I think your nose is bleeding) against LSD (11), the psychedelic tool of any open-minded psychiatrist circa 1967 (this guy knows what I’m talking about). Vote with your heart (or with the cause of many heart attacks). The choice, once again, is yours.

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In legal drugs: Caffeine (1), the lean, mean, get-ya-goin’ machine, is bright and alert for its battle against hyper-efficient painkiller Vicodin (12). Sure, a coffee is what you rely on to get you through today, but did you see Vicodin take down Valium? It looked like this:

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Next, Advil (2) will once again attempt to ibu-prove itself a victor as it faces off against Xanax (14), who’s so mellowed out that it doesn’t seem to care that much if it wins or loses. Don’t be fooled by its calm façade — Xanny (as her friends call her) is one fierce competitor.

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Raise a glass, everybody. It’s time to get druuuuunk.

In the Hard Alcohol conference, Margarita (1) challenges Jack Daniels (5). This might be the hardest vote of the competition, friends. A vote for Margaritas feels like a vote for summer, but are you ready to turn your back on ol’ Bourbon, the friend who stood by you and held your hands through all of those bleak and miserable winter months? Oh, dear. Now I’m actually crying.

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Next, Vodka (2) — friend of all seasons — is stirring itself into a liquid frenzy with the hopes of washing Scotch (11), classiest of fireside beverages, clean out of the running. Will Vodka continue its domination and swill into the top 8? Da? Nyet?

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Okay, you big softies. Let’s get onto the lighter stuff!

First, Champagne (1) is popping its cork and exploding all over itself in its excitement to choke Sangria (5) out of the bracket. Being the staple of elegance, our beloved bubbles is getting pretty cocky, but let’s not call it the toast of the town quite yet. It might invoke fantasies of 1920s Paris, but Sangria is associated with fun, sun and getting drunk on the beach, which is nothing — NOTHING — to scoff at.

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Finally, it’s the battle of the beers! Wheat-y brew Blue Moon (6) has tossed its orange slice to the side and is ready to get REAL with Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA (10). Honestly, you beer nerds have ruined so much of this bracket for me that, personally, I can’t wait to watch you tear each other apart right now. Let the games begin, mother fuckers.

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