March Madness Round Two: We're Free-Bleeding on Mars

By Ellie Shechet | March 22, 2018 | 4:50pm

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March Madness Round Two: We're Free-Bleeding on Mars

Welcome welcome welcome welcome WELCOME to Round Two of Jezebel’s March Madness: Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse! So far, both options have a lot of pros and cons!

First, let’s take a look at the results from the rest of Round One. First, in the Post-Apocalypse Nature Division: Soylent (9) beat Cannibalism (8) by a healthy margin, although it certainly looks like there are approximately 732 people out there who are chill with eating others—troubling, perhaps, unless you have tasted Soylent. Living on Mars (12) took the crown over Drinking Your Own Pee (5), and I won’t fight it, though it does seem to me that living on Mars would probably involve drinking one’s own pee. Just one woman’s take! Free Bleeding (13) crushed (or drowned, as the case may be) Eating Your Own Pets (4) with over 86 percent of the vote. Meanwhile, extremely promising contender Dramatic Sex (11) absolutely humiliated Running From Walkers (6), which received a paltry 9.5 percent of the vote. And in a (literally) brutal turn of events, Having to Kill Someone (3) was just barely overtaken by Radioactive Glow (i.e. A Natural Highlight) (14). Let’s see a replay of this disturbingly close call:

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I’m scared of you guys!

Solitude (10) scored a victory against Nonpotable Water (7), but Being Stuck With the People Who Weren’t Raptured (2) won out over No Vaccines (15). It seems like our social lives are going to be really bad either way, huh?

Over in the Post-Apocalypse Nurture Division, Unlimited Time Off (9) absolutely tore up Natural Resource Wars (8) with 96 percent of the vote, while Everyone’s a Mole Person (12) achieved a less overwhelming victory against The Purge Is Legal (5). And congratulations, everyone, Alexa Is Your New Queen (4)! She beat Transit Is the Snowpiercer Train (13) by over 30 points. Rise of Cults (6) beat Kids in the Hunger Games (11) with over 70 percent of the vote, and we do not appear to have a lot of Burners in the building, as Rebel Citizen Radio Networks (14) has defeated Everything Is Burning Man (3). Throw out those pasties and start working on developing your best urgent tone! You should also get ready for some fun and super low-key cross-country Road Trips (7), which y’all were way more into than Bartering (10), and No More Student Loan Debt (15) achieved a thunderous and well-deserved victory over Chip Implants (2).

Let us enter Round Two.

First up, in the Pre-Apocalypse Nature Division, Birth Control (1) faces down Chopped Salads (8). I honestly dare you to pick chopped salads!!!!!! I will shove you in a pile of romaine!!!!!

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This next one is harder. I’d go so far as to say it is hard as hell: An Ocean With Fish In It (12) vs. Bees (4). Undeniably, the fish and the bees deserve to live. So do we. Which necessary food source can you go without? Who would you miss more? Wow, this is upsetting! Time to vote:

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Pets (11) comes out swinging against Anti-Depressants (3), damn, who will it be? The animals, or the pills? Personally, I am frozen with indecision!

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Next, Iced Coffee (7) is gonna try and overtake a pretty serious competitor, 70 Degree Days (2). Would you prefer to feel very amped, or very comfortable? Must you have your java? Let us know:

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Now we’re in the Pre-Apocalypse Nurture Division, where the competition continues to be simply poppin’. Wellness (16) is going up against Postmates (9), and I’d hate to call this early, but it does seem like your restorative yoga class is safe (FOR NOW). Or is it?

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Indoor Plumbing (12) vs. Alexa (4) is really a match I can get behind; I can’t wait to see these two have it out. The toilet, or the scary computer woman who listens to you poop? A reckoning awaits:

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Sorry to thrust an impossible choice on you, but next we have Online Shopping (11) vs. Sephora (3). How would you prefer to burn your hard-earned cash? Could you honestly forfeit your right to walk very slowly through the Sephora checkout line, grabbing tiny products that you never knew you needed and in fact cannot actually afford now that you think about it? On the other hand, are you really willing to go stand in line for a fitting room at Zara?

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Last up for this division, we’ve got Automatic Bill Pay (10) vs. Tinder (2). Both tools of convenience, though only one will bombard you with a stressful threesome request from a pair of 6-foot Australians. Vote here:

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A lot of great things happening here, folks. We’re really seeing these teams playing their hearts out, hoping to snag that ultimate title. I feel exhilarated, and also lightly afraid. Below is your bracket—see you tomorrow, and enjoy that indoor plumbing while it lasts!