This Week in Tabloids: Is Lionel Richie Khloe Kardashian's Real Father?
Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which you and I take our mortal clay to the Lord’s pottery wheel and gently shape a glittery turd to pass back and forth between our butts forever. This week, Ariana Grande refuses to shower after the gym; Lionel Richie created Khloe Kardashian out of his very own sperm-buddies; Bethenny Frankel brags about peeing in a champagne bucket at her own wedding reception; everyone brings their dogs to the clurb.
OK!
Hollywood Trainers Tell All!
Oh baby, the cover promises to tell us (1) Who exercises in 6-inch heels! (2) Who’s hooking up at the gym! (3) Who loves naked yoga! The answer to these questions holds an answer to three much larger and more important questions, which are (1) Who is their dealer! (2) What is the buy-in-bulk policy! (3) Should I wait an hour after the first lil bit or just GO ALL IN or ???!! Immediately upon mag’s opening, in the grand tradition of Having No Chill, OK! rehashes the theory that Bruce Jenner “wants to trade his medals for mammaries.” Why does he have to trade, though? CAN BRUCE JENNER HAVE IT ALL, “ALL” BEING BOTH HIS MEDALS AND HIS MAMMARIES OF THE ACCEPTABLY CISGENDER PAST? Breaking news: Heidi Klum “absolutely despises being called the C-word.” Fucking COUGAR, hissed the young zookeeper; he brushes off his khakis; he’s so tired of being hurt. Kris Jenner wants to be Selena Gomez’s manager. The pair has grown “inseparable,” which is really scary!! Depending on where they are fused the surgery could be VERY risky, please pray!! Lo Bosworth “joined Chobani in the fight to #StopSadBreakfast.” In the heat of battle, she ate something called “Yogurt Oats.” So brave! Megan Fox’s 2-year-old son Noah sleeps in between her and her husband, which means that “Brian doesn’t get any intimacy.” Under those circumstances, that sounds, legally, like the right thing to do. Jessica Biel wore a hoodie to the beach. Congratulations to Jessica Biel on her pregnancy and the traditional saving-of-the-marriage that will result! Ooh, here are the FITNESS SECRETS. Kelly Osbourne likes to Prancercise. (True for all humans.) Jennifer Aniston does naked yoga. (The queefs, though.) Shia LaBoeuf sounds “like he’s having an orgasm” when he lifts. *vomits for 13 minutes* WHERE WERE WE. Taylor Swift goes to the gym just to get smoothies and talk to boys. Stars, they’re just like us (if we ever went to the gym). In this Okay Magazine Fitness Spectacular, Ariana Grande is tagged “SMELL YA LATER” because her “Fresh Face” does not match her “Un-Fresh Pits.” She is paranoid about getting naked at the gym so she doesn’t shower. “Pee-ew!” muses the magazine, thoughtfully placing fountain pen to parchment. FUCK, THE IKEA MONKEY IS BACK, and is actually a GOOSE not a monkey, and is actually laying golden eggs so she has to go to prison for being a goose or something, and can’t get a divorce out of her non-goose husband Joe. Sick. Sofia Vergara’s workout philosophy is “no pain, no cake!” This is rhetorically vague: does it mean no pain AND no cake, or IF no pain THEN no cake? I prefer, in my personal life, neither.
Grade: C (the Board of Health grade given to Chobani “Yogurt Oats”)
InTouch
Khloe’s Real Father Finally Revealed
Let us begin with a tale of philanthropic betrayal: Katy Perry’s middle school boyfriend is auctioning off her love letters. In one of them Perry writes “PS. I like you a lot! Write back asap.” JEEZ, CHILL OUT, KATY. Proceeds from the sale will “go to charity,” presumably the charity of the bank account of Katy Perry’s middle school boyfriend. For the “LOL of the week,” Daniel Radcliffe is quoted saying, “The worst is when people cry.” I agree… LOL! Lea Michele tried to say hi to Jessica Lange on the red carpet and Jessica Lange pretended not to see. Hmmm, maybe Lea Michele is actually invisible in person? Dusk falls over the Michele house as the ghost takes her 479th selfie. “WEAR AM AYYYY,” sobs the ghost. “WEAR AMMMM AYYY?!!” Condolences to our very talented ghost. Let us celebrate the birthdays of Egypt, Levi, Olive and Deacon: 4, 10, 7 and 11 respectively although I think it’s more like “10 millennia,” “since the Gold Rush,” “approximately 6,000 years of horticulture” and “as old as Jesus.” Jennifer Lopez has a “killer figure.” *puts Jennifer Lopez’ figure on federal watch list* THE IKEA MONKEY IS MARRIED… TO “A SNAKE”! For this offense against the ancient bestial zodiac, she is going to prison. (??? Sorry, I am piecing this one together as I go.) Antichrist-in-beta-testing Stephen Collins claims he molested this one girl “accidentally” because he was wearing “pants with holes in them.” Best wishes to Stephen Collins as he attempts to purchase better pantaloons IN THE DEEPEST PIT OF HADES. Lionel Richie is DEFINITELY Khloe Kardashian’s dad, but also these four other guys Kris Jenner slept with could be Khloe’s dad. There are face comparisons like “You see, this man has a forehead……….” *crab-walks sideways down the bar to whisper directly in your ear “…..so does Khloe.” Jesus, fine, let me put everyone out of their misery and confess: I AM THE FATHER OF KHLOE KARDASHIAN. Please respect my privacy in this difficult time. Amanda Bynes is breaking, news. In Big Tween City, Selena Gomez will only get back together with Justin “if he puts a ring on it.” Like a toe ring or?? Nicole Kidman is dealing with a classic case of the “Traveling Ta-Tas.” It’s funny because like, the ta-tas shouldn’t fit all the different girls in the group, but through a moving and relatable narrative of teenage friendship: they do! 91% of people say they would not wear a satin turban. Number seems low. Someone named Josh Altman likes to have “a three-way make-out session” with his girlfriend and dogs before bed. He hangs up the phone and pats his dick, which is dressed in a party vest. “Don’t we have fun!” he chortles, deeply alone.
Grade: 782 (number of nightly selfies a ghost must take in order to make peace with immortality)
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