Mike Johnson’s Got the Work of a Firefighter, the Mind of a Therapist, and the Brain of a Waffle

Welcome back to Monday Barf Bag.

I hope everyone had a good long weekend full of cheer, decadence, and whatever makes you happy—because vacation time’s over, the alarm clock is ringing, and the ringtone is Mike Johnson (R-La.) calling himself a firefighter, a mental health counselor, and a House Speaker all in one. Because what everyone needs is a therapist whose tell-all answer is “I do not know.”

On Wednesday, Johnson and his wife, Kelly, appeared on The Katie Miller Podcast to discuss things like marriage, Thanksgiving, the Roman empire, and what it’s like to lead the lower chamber. And maybe because Johnson—for once—was not asked about the Epstein files, or grilled about his dogged loyalty to Donald Trump, he was free and limitless to speak his mind. And as it turns out, the one thing Johnson does worse than providing no answers is providing some.

“What’s the most annoying part about being a Speaker?” Miller asked. “No downtime,” the Johnsons said, with Mike adding, “Even when you think the work of the day is done and you put the phone down, I mean, this would be 11:30 at night—ring, ring. Another crisis, you know? You’re sort of like a firefighter in a way. You have to put out fires every hour.” He added, “We have this joke that I’m not really a Speaker of the House. I’m really like a mental health counselor. And so when the pressure gets turned up really high and then the stakes are so high and the votes are so tight, I just try to sit down and listen to everybody.” He also said being a House speaker requires the same skills you use as a parent… and given this is the same man who monitors porn intake with his son, I’ll let your interpretations run wild.

During the podcast, Kelly also said her husband has a habit of overestimating his ability to get things done and underestimating how much time it takes to get them done. Which is hilarious, because maybe that explains why Johnson took seven weeks to swear in Rep. Adelita Grijalva (D-Ariz.) after she was duly elected, and maybe that’s why he’s got an indefinite non-answer as to where the Epstein files could be. But Johnson would still like for you to remember how much of an asshole he really is, because his retort to his wife was, “I got the Big Beautiful Bill done a few days earlier than my target deadline!” (No one thanks you for that.)

Johnson also revealed a lot of other concerning things about himself, like how much he loves Braveheart, how he finds Rep. Tim Burchett the funniest member of Congress, and how he’s apparently chummy with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. He also said that if he were to host a dinner party with anyone, dead or alive, he would like to sit with Jesus, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln, adding, “I’m very American-centric, aren’t I?” (It is unclear at this moment in time if Johnson believes Jesus of Nazareth hailed from the Americas.)

And as no podcast with Miller is complete unless she mentions Israel and misinterprets anti-semitism, Miller asked Johnson about the growing schism in the GOP. He responded, “There are a lot of scripturally based biblical reasons to support Israel.” Even if you don’t accept that, he said, “You have to look at this objectively and say that it’s really important to have that ally and partner in that corner of the world, and it’s the only stable democracy in the Middle East.”

Having suffered through 52 minutes of this podcast as a horrific comedown from my turkey coma, I impart with you with my favorite moment of all—a rogue and ruthless monologue by Kelly, by which she compares the brains of men… to waffles. “They have little compartments and they can think on one little compartment at a time and close it,” she said. “And men actually have a compartment that has nothing in it.” Sigh. No one speaks quite like the Johnsons.

---

More barf:

• For no clear reason at all, Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. AI-generated his Thanksgiving dinner—and a table with him, Elon Musk, Trump, and Johnson. (People)

• Sen. Cory Booker (D-New Jersey) wed Alexis Lewis in a private ceremony. Good for him, but I hope his wedding vows weren’t 25 hours long. (New York Times)

• Trump reportedly gave Venezuelan president, Nicolás Maduro, an ultimatum to relinquish power. (The Guardian)

• Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem admitted she ignored a court order to halt deportation flights. (NBC News)

• A former special agent of the FBI revealed everyone calls Kash Patel the “Make-a-Wish director” behind his back. (MS Now via YouTube)

• The Federal Indian Health Service is being reportedly censored for using words like “immunizations” and “vaccines.” (ProPublica)