These GOP Politicians Are in Too Much ‘Dadgum’ Danger to Go Outside, Live at Home, or Use a Seatbelt

Barf Bag: Daddy Trump said D.C. is dangerous, so his MAGA minions quickly fell in line.

By Lauren Tousignant | August 16, 2025 | 1:33pm

Photos: Getty Images Politics

These GOP Politicians Are in Too Much ‘Dadgum’ Danger to Go Outside, Live at Home, or Use a Seatbelt

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It’s been a rough summer for Washington, D.C.: first, the area was subjected to Trump’s North Korea-style birthday military parade; now, the city’s supposedly being torn apart and burned to the ground by violent crime—which Trump completely made up. Over the weekend, our dear leader deployed around 500 federal agents into the city, and on Monday, he used his authority to temporarily take over the Metropolitan Police Department. The unprecedented move has since been successful in combating violent crime, like catching a man who threw a sandwich at an ICE officer. God bless America!

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Obviously, according to statistics from Washington’s Metropolitan Police—and not Trump’s dictatorship daydreams—violent crime has actually dropped in D.C. since its post-covid peak in 2023; it’s down 26% since last year. Further, a January report from the Department of Justice shows homicides are down 32%, carjackings are down 53%, and assaults with a dangerous weapon are down 27%, putting D.C.’s violent crime rate at a 30-year low.

But facts be damned! Daddy Trump said D.C. is dangerous, so his MAGA minions quickly fell in line. This week, three GOP politicians revealed they’ve had to take extra, extra precautions because of how bad they’ve imagined things have gotten. Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett says he has to sleep in his office now; Oklahoma Sen. Markwayne Mullin can no longer use a seatbelt because of all the (supposed) carjackers; and Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem was forced to move into a seaside home for free because the Daily Mail published a photo of her apartment building. What ever would George Washington say?

First up is Rep. Burchett—the lawmaker who was convinced to vote for the One Big ~~Beautiful~~ Stupid Bill only after Trump told him he liked seeing him on TV. In February, Burchett told NOTUS that he sleeps in his office because “it helps him stay productive and get to meetings early.” Sounds like an Elon Musk brown-noser, but fair enough. However, in an interview with CNN’s John Berman on Tuesday, he completely changed his story.

“You don’t want to go out on the streets at night in Washington, D.C.,” Burchett said. “I come from a family of public educators. That’s one of the reasons I live in my office at night. But the other reason is it’s too dadgum dangerous, brother. It is dangerous. Everybody knows it.”

Public educator comment aside (do teachers regularly sleep in their classrooms in Tennessee?), Burchett does know a thing or two about danger. In July, he got kicked by a horse on his farm and broke a rib. “I got really lucky,” he told CNN. Sounds like it’s safer for him to stay in D.C.—but I wouldn’t want to rob the horse of whatever it’s trying to do.

Then on Wednesday, Sen. Mullin told Fox News that yes, D.C. is sooo dangerous he refuses to wear his mandatory seatbelt, which could cost him (at least!) a $50 fine.

“And by the way, I’m not joking when I say this. I drive around in Washington, D.C. in my jeep and, yes, I do drive myself. And I don’t buckle up,” Mullin told anchor Brian Kilmeade. “And the reason why I don’t buckle up, and people can say whatever they want to, they can raise their eyebrows at me, again, is because of carjacking.”

Man, I sure am grateful these MAGA men brought masculinity back.

On that note, Fox News hilariously headlined their story: “GOP Sen. Markwayne Mullin, former MMA fighter, skips seat belts in DC over carjacking fears,” just in case you had any questions about how big and strong Mullin is. He could fight off a carjacker with his seatbelt on—but why waste precious seconds when battling Daddy’s imagined boogeymen?

Finally, we have ICE Barbie, who reportedly fled her D.C. apartment for something arguably scarier than violent carjackers and murderers: the Daily Mail. The Washington Post reports that Noem is currently living (for free!) in a “spacious waterfront residence” that’s “typically reserved for the U.S. Coast Guard’s top admiral.” Sounds lovely! She apparently snagged this cushy (free!) setup after the Daily Mail published a story about her living with Corey Lewandowski, which included a photo of her Navy Yard building.

In the past, cabinet members have paid to use military housing, so Democrats and pretty much everyone who’s ever served in the Coast Guard are pissed that Noem’s very clearly abusing her position. But what else is new?

DHS spokeswoman Tricia McLaughlin told WaPo that Noem’s been “so horribly doxxed and targeted that she is no longer able to safely live in her own apartment.” She also thought it was “sad” of WaPo to dare question Noem’s arrangement or “suggest a rancher should have to pay a second rent because of a reporter’s irresponsible decisions to dox where she lives.” Amazing.

I’m immediately reminded of the horrifying Sidewalk Chalk Attack that Maine Sen. Susan Collins was forced to endure in May 2022, when one of her constituents wrote “Susie, please, Mainers want WHPA” in chalk on the sidewalk outside of her house—forcing Collins to, of course, call the cops. (The WHPA is the Women’s Health Protection Act, which, in 2022, would have codified the right to abortion in Maine’s constitution. Collins voted against it, and it never passed.)

The horrors these Republicans are being forced to face are…not even a tiny bit nearly as horrific as they should be, if you ask me.

More Barf:

How much money has Trump and his family made since taking office, you ask? An estimated $3.4 billion. [The New Yorker]
Trump is really struggling to walk in a straight line…which could be an early sign of…something. [The Daily Beast]
A House Republican tried to hide that he owns a helicopter. [NOTUS]
RFK Jr. called for a medical journal to retract a vaccine study; thankfully, they said no. [Reuters]
Breaking! The Trump administration lied, and DOGE cuts did shit. [Politico]
Who’s doing well in this economy? Private prisons supporting mass deportation! [NOTUS]
The White House is going to “scrutinize” every Smithsonian Museum in order to ensure all the exhibitions “fit Trump’s historical vision.” Sounds like super normal non-authoritarian behavior. [Wall Street Journal]
Incredible security failure alert: ICE added a random person to a group chat. [404 Media]
Even conservative economists think Trump’s pick to lead the Bureau of Labor Statistics—Heritage Foundation economist E.J. Antoni—is a stone-cold idiot. [Axios]
Cities are making it even easier to become a cop! Sick! [USA Today]
Trump family-backed golf resort kicked a Vietnamese farmer off her land and only gave her $3,200 and some rice provisions. [Reuters]
Dana White will host the White House’s first-ever UFC fight in 2026 for our nation’s 250th birthday! Fighting! Just what America needs! [CBS News]

This has been your weekly Barf Bag, thanks for reading!

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