More Foods That Shouldn't Exist: Balut, Beans, and Beef Tongue, Oh My
In DepthWelcome back to Foods That Should Not Exist, our weekly series where Kitchenette goes on a deep, spiritual quest to eventually offend everyone in the entire world. Last week we checked Scandinavia and New England off that list, so let’s see who I can piss off this week, shall we?
Balut — Let’s put it this way: I can’t post a picture of Balut because I’m not 100% certain I wouldn’t be tried for war crimes if I did so. A street food common in the Philippines and Southeast Asia, Balut is made from fertilized duck eggs left in the sun for nine days to keep them warm. Those of you with an understanding of what happens to fertilized bird eggs when you keep them warm for over a week are running ahead of this saying, “wait, doesn’t that mean that—” YES. IT DOES. You’re supposed to eat a half-formed bird fetus straight out of the shell. No, I’m not exaggerating. Yes, this is real, and common, and it is somehow MORE horrifying than you’re imagining right now. I know you think you want to Google it, but trust me, you don’t want to Google it. No, no, stop typing, put down the Google, for the love of — aww, now see what you did? Good luck eating eggs for the rest of your life. Anyway, I’m pretty sure this is the signature dish at Cthulhu’s Diner. I give up on our species.
Falafel — Oh good, alternately crunchy and mushy spiced balls of apathy and spite. It could be worse, though; at least with the balled form of Falafel it’s not trying to replace meat in a sandwich like a fucking pretender to the throne. Falafel in a sandwich/wrap is the Joffrey of sandwiches/wraps. There’s just no possible way it isn’t horrifying. Yes, I fucking said it. Kitchenette: Making Enemies of Vegetarians and the Entire Middle East Since 2014.