Move Over 12-Foot Skeleton, Home Depot’s Given Us a New Sexy Beast

The 9.5' animatronic werewolf is a new, shockingly sexy Halloween yard decoration.

StyleWear & Tear
Move Over 12-Foot Skeleton, Home Depot’s Given Us a New Sexy Beast
Image:Home Depot (Fair Use)

The 12′ tall Home Depot skeleton’s days are numbered. Yeah, that’s right. That dead creature that was all the rage last year should live in fear of his life being cut short…again. Why? Because Home Depot has a new it-Halloween-decoration and it’s a 9.5′ tall animatronic werewolf with glowing eyes and a piercing howl, that’s why.

Introduced this year to Home Depot’s assortment of ginormous Halloween decorations, the werewolf has already gained cult status. It was released in July on Orange Friday, the day the store drops its spooky merch. Halloween enthusiasts scooped up the werewolf and now that the season’s rolled around, have given him a place of honor in their yards. But what these Home Depot heads may not have known at the time was just how damn sexy they’d find this beast.

I know what you’re thinking: Ooooh, but the werewolf isn’t as tall as the skeleton! Maybe you should focus less on the skeleton and more on what this werewolf is offering. Home Depot’s own descriptions are dripping with lust:

– 9.5-ft. brown towering werewolf offers frightful fun
– Head, eye and jaw movements create scary delight
– Built-in motion sensor for interactive fun
– Howling sound delivers a chilling effect

Delightful jaw movements? Interactive fun? I’m going to say what we are all thinking: This animatronic werewolf could blow your back out. Those jorts and plaid shirt didn’t get snagged on a tree or ripped when he accidentally walked into a clearing exposed to the full moon. No, that outfit was desirously torn in a fit of passion.

If you’re scandalized by my assertions so far, maybe you’ll reconsider your prudishness knowing that the Washington Post wrote a whole story about people lustful over this lupine lover. Halloween Facebook groups and furry communities alike have become smitten by the werewolf. The moderator of “several Facebook groups dedicated to large-scale holiday decorating…found herself moderating a discussion about the werewolf’s, ahem, physique, under those shredded pants,” the Post reported. “Turns out, a lot of people wanted to know what he looked like naked.”

A Twitch personality by the name of Buffpup told the paper that when she saw the 9.5′ werewolf, she said, “Wow, this is really hot,” adding, importantly, that he has “a nice butt.”

Sexiness and Halloween have long been dominated by the Playboy bunnies and seductive kittens. But here at Jezebel, we encourage you to break these norms, and instead allow your lust of less-conventional characters to come out. In that vein, it’s time for this hunky werewolf. Let’s bring some raw sex appeal into the holiday. Let’s place it right in our front fucking yards.

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