My Whole Day Is Ruined Because I Can't Drive or Eat Food


Hey guys. It’s Tuesday. How’s your day going? Is it going poorly? Cool, because I can relate.

It’s a lovely 80 degree day in sunny Los Angeles. Some haphazard construction is going on right outside my apartment so I thought: “Why golly, I think I’ll work from a nice outdoor cafe today. Enjoy the sun. Drink some brews. Get creative and shit.”

I head down to the Coffee Commissary on Fairfax Avenue. You ever been there? Nice spot. A little hip for my taste but I’m wearing expensive jeans today so I should fit in just fine.

As I wait in line to order my coffee, I open my wallet to get my credit card ready so I can get this shit moving. That’s when I realize that I don’t have my driver’s license. HMMM. Yesterday I went to the FedEx store on Wilshire to make a photocopy of my license because I’m in the process of applying for a visa. Now, I tend to handle emergencies or setbacks pretty well—except when I lose something. When I lose something my immediate urge is to burn the building I’m in to the ground which I know sounds counterproductive but who cares because WHERE IS MY SHIT?

In the immediate, I do my best to resist that urge and I calmly call the FedEx store to see if they have it. OH GUESS WHAT? THEY DON’T HAVE IT. Who the fuck would take my license? What are you doing with that? Are you a 26-year-old black woman with buttery skin and a voluminous puff of hair atop her head? No. Then you don’t need my goddamn driver’s license.

Now, my driver’s license might be at home, but I have no way of knowing that at the moment. Luckily I took an Uber here so I wouldn’t have to worry about parking but what now? Can I drive with a passport? Probably not. I do now have those two full color copies of my driver’s license that cost me $1.64 to make. Does that count? Seriously if someone is a law enforcement official or works for some sort of government agency, please let me know.

Well, I there’s nothing I can do at the moment so I decide to triage. The internet on the patio is not working in my favor. DON’T THEY KNOW THAT BLOGGERS GOTTA BLOG. Ok, ok, so bad internet and no driver’s license. Cool.

At this point, I’m starting to feel hungry because you should always have food in a crisis. There is a delicious-looking food truck parked right in front of the Coffee Commissary. I glance at the chalkboard menu from my table—they have a nice brussels sprouts and eggs combo that I’m really feeling right now. I reach into my bag to pull out my driver’s license-less wallet and at that exact moment THE FOOD TRUCK DRIVES AWAY. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?

I’m heated. I fire off a tweet with the heat of six fire emojis.

I should note that the departure of the food truck is particularly tragic because this place doesn’t serve food. All they have are cookies, a few pastries and coffee. So looks like I’m going to deal with this totally stable mental state I’m in while only consuming caffeine and sugar. OPRAH HELP ME.

The one upside right now: This is the best latte I’ve never had, which is good news since I’ll probably be drinking three or four of them today.

Outside, my internet is still noncommittal as hell. Triage, Kara. I move inside and the internet gets better. So there’s that. About two minutes after I sit down, the cute guy next to me gets up and leaves PROBABLY BECAUSE HE CAN SMELL THE CRAZY I’M EMITTING RIGHT NOW. I don’t blame him.

So that’s how my day is going right now, people. I can’t eat, I can’t drive and my meet-cute with a sexy stranger at a trendy coffee chop is completely ruined. NOW, LET’S ALL COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR TRIVIAL PROBLEMS WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS. YOU GO NEXT.

UPDATE: My close, personal friend Thandie Newton just followed me on Twitter. This shitty day has now partially redeemed itself. I really do need my goddamn driver’s license though. Also, I’m about to order a third latte.

Previously: My Whole Weekend Is Ruined Because I Am a Woman With Needs

Image via Paramount Pictures.

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