A fisherman got an extra special surprise in his daily catch last week.
This is Bjørn Frilund, an average, run-of-the-mill 64-year-old Norwegian fisherman (just like the one you dreamed of being when you were a teenager). According to The Local, Frilund was processing some of the fish he had just caught, when he felt a lump in the belly of a cod. What, oh what could that be, he wondered?
As he cut in, he first found two semi-digested herrings. Then he pulled out a hefty orange vibrator.
ORANGE VIBRATOR ALERT.
Frilund, 64, has spent his spare time fishing in the waters around his home town of Eidsbygda, western Norway, for as long as he can remember. But this is the first time he’s heard of fish swallowing discarded sex aids. “I was astonished,” he told The Local. “It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before.”
His theory is that the cod, which weighed upwards of five kilograms, mistook the vibrator for a tasty cephalopod.
Ladies. Please don’t think for one second that this is acceptable reverse substitution for you to make. Cephalopods do not make good sexual aids. Don’t even ask me how I know that.
“Fish eat all kinds of different things,” he told The Local. “And the dildo looks like what the fish eat. We have a kind of multi-coloured octopus in Norway, maybe the cod thought this was one of these and ate it.”
“OMG I’m starving. What is there to eat around here? Hmmm, let’s see—shrimp, algae, seaweed…oh hey, that orange thing looks good!”
He speculated that the machine, which still had a small motor at one end, had been tossed off a boat, perhaps by “a frustrated woman on a cruise” in the Barents Sea.
So Justin Bieber’s Norwegian yacht parties are even crazier than you had heard they were.
Thank goodness someone found the dildo I accidentally fed to my friend’s pet cod she brought over that one time because she couldn’t find a pet sitter. That’ll teach me to dangle a sex toy in front of a giant fish for no apparent reason.