Our Very Weird Year in Music 2015 


“Hello, it’s me,” is not what we’ll be saying come 2016 to any of these songs or artists. Why? Because they all had their moment in 2015, duh.

Biggest Who?s of the Year

1) Charlie Puth

2) Shawn Mendez

3) 21 Pilots

Most Romantic Songs Ruined by a Trash Rap Verse

1) Miguel ft. Wale, “Coffee”

2) Jeremih ft. J Cole, “Planes”

Worst Dick Metaphor on Above Trash Verses

  1. “My stroke is a scone” (“Coffee”)
  2. “Dick so big it’s like a foot is in your mouth” (“Planes”)

Actual Worst Lines in Those Songs Though

  1. “I’m not your regular joe” (“Coffee”)
  2. “Ain’t babysitting but my kids all on your couch” (“Planes”)

Tracks Off E • MO • TION, Ranked

1. “Run Away With Me”

1. “Emotion”

1. “I Really Like You”

1. “Gimmie Love”

1. “All That”

1. “Boy Problems”

1. “Making the Most of the Night”

1. “Your Type”

1. “Let’s Get Lost”

1. “LA Hallucinations”

1. “Warm Blood”

1. “When I Needed You”

Best Time Rita Ora Picked Her Poison

Worst Lyrics on Justin Bieber’s Song About the Children

What about the children?
Look at all the children we can change
What about a vision?
Be a visionary for a change
We’re the generation
Who’s gonna be the one to fight for it?
We’re the inspiration
Do you believe enough to die for it?
Who’s got the heart? Who’s got it?
Whose heart is the biggest?
Wear it on your sleeve
Bet we can make a difference
Who’s got the heart? Who’s got it?
Whose heart is the biggest?
Wear it on your sleeve
Bet we can make a difference
Oh yeah
Who’s got the heart?
Oh yeah
Who’s got the heart?
Oh yeah

Songs That Sounded the Most Like Pepto Bismol

2) R City ft. Adam Levine, “Locked Away”

1) Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor, “Marvin Gaye”

Best Time Kygo Recycled His Signature Riff

  1. Kyla La Grange, “Cut Your Teeth (Kygo Remix)
  2. Marvin Gaye, “Sexual Healing (Kygo Remix)
  3. Kygo ft. Conrad Sewell, “Firestone
  4. Kygo ft. Parson James, “Stole the Show

Craziest Neck

1. Kygo

Best Songs That Are Married

  1. Fetty Wap, “Trap Queen”
  2. Years & Years, “King”

Best Time Nick Jonas Made the Best Video Online

Worst Songs About Monogamy

  1. Andy Grammer, “Honey I’m Good”
  2. Meghan Trainor, “Dear Future Husband”

Best Title Track

Autre Ne Veut, Age of Transparency

Best Album Featuring Above Title Track That Makes Me Cry Every Time I Listen

Autre Ne Veut, Age of Transparency

Best Simultaneously Released Jazz Version of That Very Emotional Album

Autre Ne Veut, Age of Transparency II

Crunkest Moments From 80-Year-Old Rancheras Banda Sinaloense el Recodo de Don Cruz Lizárraga




Best Grime Album by the Brother of Skepta, Who Most Americans Now Know About Cause Kanye and Drake

JME, Integrity>

Most romantic Monty verses on Fetty Wap’s Fetty Wap:


“If I had a chance, I’d bring it all back
You could be Gina and I will be Martin
And you can be Gabrielle and I’ll be Dwayne Wade
I know you very well and we want the same thing” (“Rewind”)


“Tell me what you see
Is it money or it’s me
I smoke twenty, smell the weed
I got honeys in my V
They like, ‘Monty, can you be my baby daddy?
I’m like, ‘Yeah’” (“679”)


“I love the way you look, I love the way you smell
Tell me how you feel? I’m just keeping it real” (“Time”)

Hardest Surprise Bars

  1. Selena Gomez singing “I mean I could but why would I want to” on “Hands to Myself”
  1. Sufjan Stevens singing “Fuck me I’m falling apart” on “No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross”

Best Surprise Love Songs

  1. Eskimeaux, “Broken Necks”
  1. Aeble ft. Tom Aspaul, “Better By Your Side”

Best New JoJo Songs Since She Reclaimed Control of Her Voice

  1. “Say Love”
  1. “Save My Soul”
  2. “When Love Hurts”

Best Lines From Alaska Thunderfuck’s “Hieee”

  1. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  2. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  3. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  4. “Some of the most beautiful women in the world have gigantic penises!”
  5. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  6. “We’ll be happy to take your complaints after the show, at the corner of Fuck You and Go Fuck Yourself Avenue dot com.”
  7. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  8. “Is this your boyfriend, honey? Not anymore.”
  9. “Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  10. “Don’t ever touch my hair.”

Best Film Scores

  1. Carter Burwell, Carol
  2. Peter Gregson, A Little Chaos
  3. Ben Salisbury & Geoff Barrow, Ex Machina
  4. Dean Wareham & Britta Phillips, Mistress America
  5. Dan Romer, Digging for Fire
  6. Michael Giacchino, Inside Out
  7. Michael Brook, Brooklyn
  8. Junkie XL, Mad Max: Fury Road
  9. Howard Shore, Spotlight
  10. Rob Simonsen, The Age of Adaline
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