Put All the Culkins on Television

Put All the Culkins on Television
Image: (Getty)

Underutilized Culkin talent is our nation’s greatest untapped resource, and the sooner America realizes it, the better. We’ve got Kieran Culkin on Succession, which is a start, but not nearly enough when there are myriad Culkins just looking to slyly deliver understated yet hilarious performances to our televisions.

Luckily, Ryan Murphy agrees with me and has added Macaulay Culkin to the rotating cast of American Horror Story alongside Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Kathy Bates, and Billie Lourde for the show’s 10th season. The season’s theme has yet to be announced, but quite frankly, I don’t really care. I’ll watch at least three episodes of these people doing just about anything.

Meanwhile, IMDb tells me that Rory will be in an upcoming television series called Emma that is not an Austen adaptation, but it’s probably best not to be spoiled for good fortune, I suppose. [Deadline]

The 1994 Hollywood studio parody Swimming With Sharks is getting the Quibi treatment and will star Kiernan Shipka and Diane Kruger along with How to Get Away With Murder’s Gerardo Celasco, 13 Reasons Why’s Ross Butler, and Black Lightning’s Erika Alexander. [Deadline]

The least problematic Bush, Sophia, will return to television in a CBS drama called Good Sam. [Deadline]

Chris Evans is continuing is post-Captain America pivot to villains, possibly by playing the dentist role made famous by Steve Martin in an upcoming Little Shop of Horrors remake; hopefully, Bill Murray will reprise his role as the weirdo who requests a “long, slow root canal.” Billy Porter is also set to become the definitive Audrey II. [Entertainment Weekly]

Twenty years after the first Life Size film, Tyra Banks continues to garner applause for hinting at sequels. [People]

Megan Rapinoe will have a Quibi series. At this point, it might just be helpful to list celebrities who will not have a Quibi series. [Deadline]

Simon Cowell will apparently make content intended for children, but unfortunately, the program will not just be him berating infants who mistakenly believe they have talent and will instead have something to do with hybrid animals. [Variety]

Parasite: The Series, or perhaps it will be called Parasites, will air on Hulu (Correction: A singular Parasite, the film, will air on Hulu, not the series which could, hypothetically, be plural. Jezebel regrets the error.) [Variety]

Julia Roberts and Armie Hammer will star in a series about Watergate based on the Slow Burn podcast. I did not read what they will be doing, preferring instead to assume they will be playing Pat and Dick. [Variety]

As angry as I still am about Game of Thrones, I will be watching the David Benioff Netflix project The Chair both because it will star Sandra Oh and because it will be a dramedy about English departments, which as a recovering academic, I can attest are an untapped hotbed of tragicomedy. [Variety]

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