Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively Secretly Got Married in a Cotton Field

CelebritiesDirt Bag

My Size Barbie and Ken Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds put on the My Wedding Dream Clothes™ that came in the box with them and stealthily got married on a plantation in South Carolina yesterday. Their friend Bell Sleeves Florence Welch was there to sing in honor of their love, and so—more importantly!—was Hollywood’s fairy godmother Bette Midler, who has actually BEEN GOSSIP GIRL THE WHOLE TIME.

About 70 people attended and there was a $3,000 cake that I searched really hard for more details on. Couldn’t find any, but at least you know where my priorities are. Reynolds was previously married to Scarlett Johansson. Serena Van Der Woodsen has never been married, but has been imprisoned, blackmailed by Harriet the Spy, slept with a married congressman, slept with her best friend’s boyfriend, slept with her high school English teacher, and accidentally killed a guy once sort of. [NYDN]

Kristen Stewart flirted with James Franco at the Toronto Film Festival “for like 10 minutes,” (which is the longest James Franco has ever been able to concentrate on anything). He invited her out to dinner that night, and then the two went to “a mysterious third floor.”

“I have an idea,” she probably said. “Let’s make this awesome art installation where we fuck on the third floor and then please never call me.”

“Dude,” he said, “You’re totally awesome.” [Today News Gazette]

Never has “We’re going to be fine. We’re totally fine,” been discussed so much in a Robert Pattinson/K-Stew capacity. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Kim Kardashian, there are no words:

[Kris and I] were done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.

[Guardian UK]

Kanye West used to watch the Kim Kardashian/Ray-J sex tape to get in the mood. You know, the mood. To put his body part in another person’s body part a bunch of times with increasing speed until something happens or someone feels like getting pizza. [TMZ]

Here’s a promo for The X-Factor that features, among other things, Simon Cowell wearing a crown and Demi Lovato stressing, “I can help because I know about today’s sound. I know today’s music,” because every other judge on the panel, and all of us really except Demi Lovato, is a wizened old crypt keeper who will die soon.

One of Queen Elizabeth II’s beloved corgis, Monty, has passed away, leaving Buckingham Palace bereft. Oh, cruel fate, you can take her corgi, but you can’t take her dignity. Or her other two corgis. [Daily Beast]

Newly-public emails from Michael Jackson’s director Kenny Ortega to promoter Randy Phillips five days before the King of Pop’s death show Ortega’s concern for Jackson (Jackson was too “weak and fatigued” to rehearse, was “trembling, rambling and obsessing… everything in [Ortega] says he should be psychologically evaluated… [Ortega] honestly felt if [he] had encouraged or allowed him on stage last night he could have hurt himself.”

Phillips responded: “It is critical that neither you, me, or anyone around this show become amateur psychiatrists or physicians… You cannot imagine the harm and ramifications of stopping the show now.” The emails will likely be used in two lawsuits set for 2013 trial. [NYDN]

  • Milla Jovovich turned down a zombie-shooting promo stunt for Resident Evil: Retribution because of the Colorado shooting. [Express]
  • “I owe Justin Bieber everything.” —Carly Rae Jepsen, all of us, the weather. [Metro]
  • Lady Gaga wore a crazy wedding dress during a night out with Rihanna and Jay-Z, and I probably would too. [Daily Mail]
  • Oh, and Rihanna got a tattoo of the goddess Isis under her breasts to honor her late Gran Gran Dolly. [E! Online]
  • George Michael is the first pop star to perform at Paris’ Opera Garnier, which he’s doing on behalf of a French AIDS charity. [Miami Herald]
  • Jessica Simpson baby weight blarghhhhaeruatku24gh824. (“Her waist is going down, and her thighs are getting smaller,” says a person who is clearly a weight loss EXPERT.) [Us Weekly]
  • Here’s a series of action shots featuring Peaches Geldof dropping her baby on the ground. [Daily Mail]
  • Brad Pitt doesn’t feel safe without a gun. I don’t feel safe without a million dollars. Therefore, Brad Pitt should give me a million dollars, and also hide that gun really fucking well because he has six little kids. [Sky News]
  • Liam Hemsworth brought his bulldog Ziggy to the set of a movie he’s shooting with Harrison Ford and Harrison Ford freaked the fuck out and wait, does Indiana Jones hate dogs? 🙁 [News.com.eu]
  • Drake’s gonna coach an alumni basketball game at the University of Kentucky. [XXL Mag]
  • Ne’er-do-well and occasional guitar player John Mayer is being sued for his involvement in a Seattle-based Ponzi scheme. (Can’t wait for the follow-up that this is actually just an unaired episode of Frasier.) [NYDN]
  • What? Explain the meaning of the lyrics to massively-viral K-pop jam Gangnam Style? OKAY YEAH. [NYDN]
  • Christian Bale flew out a 4-year-old cancer patient and his family to Disneyland and had lunch with them. :} :} [E! Online]
  • Jon Hamm does not appear to believe in underwear, and every time someone says that out loud an underwear fairy dies, but everyone is too distracted by Jon Hamm’s penis to give a single crap. Also, I genuinely don’t understand how strong the wind would have to be for this to happen. [The Superficial]
  • Thank God: Liza Minnelli is reprising her role as Lucille 2 in Arrested Development. [Vulture]
  • Some guy hopped Miley Cyrus’ fence with scissors and got arrested. [TMZ]
  • Lena Dunham took (the same?) scissors and cut her hair and said she “Miley’d” herself. (It looks really cute.) [Us Weekly]
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