Science 'Discovers' That Sprite Is the Best Hangover Cure. UM, DUH.


I don’t get hangovers very often anymore because I am a 31-year-old languorous crone whose current drug of choice is Chopped marathons, but OH BOY did my shit ever hang over and under and out and in between and all the way down the hall back when I was 25 and fun. I don’t miss the barfing and the spins and the frantic shameover-texting, but there’s one thing I do get a little bit wistful for. HANGOVER SPRITE.

Ooooooooohhhhh, hangover Sprite! My sweet, sweet lady of the morning. Shambling to the 7-11 like a haggard gin-zombie, filling up that Big Gulp cup (no bottled Sprite can defeat a hangover like a fountain Sprite), finally taking that first unbelievable sip. You can feel the Sprite surging into your bloodstream and bringing you back to life. It is the most perfect satisfaction that I have ever experienced, and the other day I pulled an inch-long ingrown hair out of my boyfriend’s face. AN ENTIRE INCH. It was nothing compared to hangover Sprite.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I felt like shit so I could justify having a Sprite (non-hangover Sprite is so decadent and cloying). Back in my drinking days, I was so vocal about my proclivity that once for my birthday a friend gave me a 7-11 gift card with “FOR HANGOVER SPRITE” written on it in Sharpie and it was the best gift ever. What I’m saying is that I fucking love having a hangover and then having a Sprite. Is this getting through?

So imagine my surprise when the Daily Mail ran an article about hangover Sprite AND NOBODY CONTACTED ME FOR A QUOTE. WEIRD, YOU GUYS.

Chinese scientists examined 57 beverages – ranging from herbal teas to fizzy pop – before concluding that the lemon and lime drink performed the best.
…When we drink, our livers release an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH), which breaks down the ethanol in alcohol into a chemical called acetaldehyde (so less the alcohol enters the bloodstream).
This is then broken down into another chemical called acetate by an enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase (ALDH).
While acetate is usually considered harmless – and has been linked with some of the health benefits of alcohol – being exposed to the more potent acetaldehyde is what causes hangover symptoms, the researchers found.
…But Sprite was among the drinks that sped up the ALDH process, causing the alcohol to be broken down more quickly, thereby reducing hangover duration.

Oh, hangover Sprite. I am so, so proud of you. You deserve this. (Also, full disclosure: I had one of you during the writing of this post, because last night this happened. #dead)

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