Sean Spicer Glows Like Radioactive Waste in His Dancing With the Stars Debut

Sean Spicer, who is decidedly not a “star” so much as a habitual (bad) liar and devoted bush explorer, has made his Dancing With the Stars debut. Reader, it was… disturbing.

In addition to his shortcomings as a star, Spicer wasn’t working with much in the talent department, either. “His dance ability is at like a pre-pre-school level, and he definitely isn’t natural at it,” Lindsay Arnold, his partner and DWTS’s Season 25 champion explained as the pair rehearsed, Spicer bumbling through basic moves.

In order to compensate for these major deficiencies, Spicer relied on the same tactics he used during his unsuccessful stint as White House press secretary: distraction and obfuscation. Dressed ridiculously in baggy white pants and a shirt the color of Willy Wonka’s industrial waste, Spicer first appears slapping excitedly at some bongo drums as the tune from “Spice Up Your Life” revs up, marking the first time in the ordeal to follow that I would pray quietly for death.

Spicer shimmies exuberantly in his shirt, whose billowing sleeves make him look like the Vampire Lestat if he decided to open a pawn shop in Miami. What the hell is that shirt made of? It shimmers like a Mountain Dew bottle. Who is going to cut him out of it later? And why are his pants so large? No, don’t answer that. It’s better than the alternative. The finale sees Spicer sliding across the floor on his knees like an out-of-bounds tennis ball, coming slowly to a stop as streamers rain upon him.

“You looked like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps,” one judge said of the opening bongo number, but the statement could easily apply to the rest of Spicer’s dance, and life. Ultimately, he earned a score of 12 out of 30, which feels much, much too high.