Stop the Steal: John Krasinski Has Been Named ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

On Tuesday, People unveiled its 34th annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, and folks, I’ll just say this: In one of our nation’s bleakest moments, the magazine had the opportunity to be a beacon of light. Instead, it offered us more horrors in the form of that dork from The Office, a collectively unflattering photograph of the men from New Girl, and Benny Blanco in silk pajamas clutching a teddy bear.

That’s right, John Krasinski, a man with negative leading-man energy (and manufactured sex appeal, at best), was declared “Sexiest Man Alive” in 2024…the year of Glen Powell…and during a time when Theo James exists, Charles Melton’s face card has never once been declined, a lookalike contest for Dev Patel was just held, and Barry Keoghan (and Sabrina Carpenter) simply can’t stop talking about his Irish spice bag. Frankly, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Worse yet, the cover story only further illustrates that Krasinski also suffers from a serious lack of charisma. For example, when asked for his take on the honor, he replied: “Zero thoughts.” Wow!

“Other than maybe I’m being punked,” Krasinski added. “That’s not how I wake up, thinking, ‘Is this the day that I’ll be asked to be Sexiest Man Alive?’ And yet it was the day you guys did it. You guys have really raised the bar for me.” Why does he speak like a moderate politician? I’m sick.

Fortunately, reactions to the designation have not only been uproarious, but surprisingly unanimous.

“this country can’t do shit right, can’t elect a non-felon president, can’t make logical grammy nominations, can’t realize manny jacinto is sexier than john krasinski i’m so embarrassed like what the fuck,” one user tweeted.

Hell, even fans failed to see the vision.

“I mean, I love John Krasinski as much as the next millennial woman but Pedro Pascal has been here waiting for some love,” one woman tweeted.

In fairness, the list does have its winners: Jeremy Allen White, Pedro Pascal, and yes, Glen Powell. But by god, is it a lot of losers.

“Chivalry’s not dead,” Benny Blanco declares in his feature. The spread has Selena Gomez’s boyfriend serving Taco Bell pizzas on a silver platter, trying on more silk pajamas, and shaking a cocktail. There’s also a video in which he admits that for date night, Gomez once rented an entire botanical garden for him, while he once…made her nachos for Valentine’s Day.

“Don’t stink. Do all the stuff,” he advises men in one section of the feature. Chivalry may not be dead but sense is six feet under.

I fear this is not the same magazine that gave us previous winners including Tom Cruise, Michael B. Jordan, and Nick Nolte (pre-mugshot). Or, maybe it is. It did give Blake Shelton the honor in 2017, after all.