Just when you’ve managed to forget the hell that is being alone on Christmas and New Year’s, Valentine’s Day rears its ugly heart-shaped head to remind you that you are singularly single and romantically inadequate. The Romantic Industrial Complex, combined with Capitalism’s Conspicuous Consumption and Couples’ Conspicuous Consumption of each others faces in public, makes it hard to be Valentine-free. Times like this it seems like your ex is just one sext message away. And maybe he or she is. But resist the temptation to reach out to a potential Valentine. Direct your energy elsewhere — like, say, right here.
First of all do you know what you are really celebrating? It’s a disgusting holiday — or it was, originally: Some historians trace it back to a Roman fertility festival when drunk and naked men sacrificed goats and dogs, whipping women with their hides (always a turn-on). Others say the holiday originates from the bloody martyrdom of a man named Valentine (almost as romantic).
And what are you really missing out on? The way he (insert gender-appropriate pronoun/s) celebrated Valentine’s Day with you is probably a reminder enough of why you’re no longer together. Maybe he bought you a cardboard heart filled with chocolates (95% Crisco 5% cocoa). Or that $19.95 TV-call in bouquet, whose roses were dead in the morning, while the baby’s breath shed its dandruff for months. A teddy bear that looked like a fat dog and was made by some five-year-old in a Thai sweatshop. Or if things were serious, a bracelet of gold, mined by teenage slaves in Niger. All topped off by a romantic dinner at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, for which he had an about-to-expire Groupon coupon.
OK, so now your painful walk down memory lane has erased all longing, but ignited your anger. And now you want to text or write not to say, “Won’t you be my Valentine?” but rather “Won’t you go fuck yourself!” But that’s not a good idea either. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he has any effect on you. And don’t make yourself vulnerable to his response or deafening silence. Sure, you could e-mail yourself or a friend, but that’s not nearly as satisfying as what we propose here: get your rage rocks off by writing what you want to say to the ex in the comments section. Or just tell us your worst experience ever.
Go through all the nightmares, Valentine’s-Day related or not, that this person put you through. And this isn’t just for singles. Maybe you’re part of a couple, but can’t stand the way your partner celebrates Valentine’s Day. Crotchless panties—again? Or maybe, you’re partnered but are having second thoughts based on recent behavior you’re too ashamed to tell anyone about. Or maybe you’ve just started dating someone but he thinks it’s too soon to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but it sure wasn’t too soon for him to celebrate his penis with a good old fashioned blow job from you. Tell him what you think of his priorities. Just let it all hang out. Tell us, not them.
This Valentine’s Day, be heartless and let it all out. We’ll run a selection of the best (er, worst) tomorrow.
Katie Halper is a blogger, comedian and filmmaker. Follow her on Twitter: @kthalps.
Image via alekup/Shutterstock.