The Bachelorette’s Options Are No Better Than Yours

It’s fall. The air is cold (or hot, wherever you are, I don’t know your life) in the mornings, and the skies, darker in the evenings. Time marches on, cruel and unrelenting, and with the passage of time comes the announcement of a new cast of men eager and willing to participate in The Bachelorette.

We’ve got a real bumper crop of men for Bachelorette Michelle Young to pick from, including a gentleman who says his favorite breakfast item is cottage cheese and a man who hates libraries. Though I’m sure there is a diamond—or at the very minimum, a dusty cubic zirconia—in the rough, from what I can tell, it looks like Michelle Young is going to have as shitty time a dating as everyone else on Tinder.

My understanding of the show is limited, but my colleagues have informed me that the reason there are so many men in the beginning is so that the first episode can stretch out over three luxuriant hours: an infinite loop of men hopping out of a limo in a shiny, too-tight suit, flashing their veneers, and hoping to make it through the end of the night. Though the show is ostensibly about finding a fictionalized version of “love”, it seems like the real driving force here is to make it on the show long enough to get into the fantasy suite, so that Michelle can take a sneaky-peeky at what’s happening in these men’s trousers. Arguably, it would be easier to just move the sneaky-peeky portion up to the front of the show, but I understand that that isn’t family friendly TV and that Michelle is a teacher whose students will be watching.

Regardless, these are the men who our lovely Michelle Young will be forced to try to love, and I’m sorry, her options seem to be pretty mediocre—as if the producers gathered the dregs of the dating pool from Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Raya, and perhaps Match.com, dressed them all in their best Express for Men blouses, and unleashed them upon an unwitting public. Here they are.

The Maybes

Brandon J loves basketball and hates bungee jumping, and though he is 26, I feel like there’s hope for him. Brandon K. enjoys the Cha-Cha slide and appreciates the kitsch appeal of an oversized cardboard check. He’s also 29, which feels like he’s on the precipice of the early stages of a mid-life crisis, but that could work out. Chris G., a motivational speaker, is almost perfect on paper, save the motivational speaker bit and his professed love for “escape rooms” and spoken word poetry, but if this kind Bachelorette has patience, then maybe this will work for her?

Any man with the audacity to declare that they hate reality TV while having already agreed to appear on reality TV is the kind of person who probably loves to pay Devil’s Advocate when you’re just trying to figure out where the fuck to eat for dinner—Jamie. I’m sorry, please, no (for me) but maybe Michelle loves a challenge. JoMarri is a “driven gentle giant”, and that is intriguing enough to me to see what’s up. Martin might be fun and will at the very least, help me with my squat form. Having dated a man who was also very into climbing Mt. Everest, I want to be kind to Will, because everyone deserves love, but… I don’t know… man.

The Wine Nots

If you want to endure hours of stories about creative briefs and petty office politics, then Casey, a 36 year old advertising man from Miami seems fine. Bryan, 31, is a big-bodied football man with kind eyes and an all-abiding love for Jesus; the first is wonderful and the second would probably prevent me (or Michelle) from assessing the salami and seeing what’s up. Clayton of Columbia, MO, seems lovely, but a man who has a “rapping alter ego named Clay-Doh” is probably fine for a good time not a long time. He’s kinda… hot? Eh, he’s fine. Daniel fights fires and wants to know if aliens are reel—yes! Normally, a “wellness coach” would be a no, but Edward seems sweet and wants to go to Disney World; I’ve never been to Disney World! Let’s go to Disney World, Edward.

Now we’re cooking with gas: Garrett’s a tech CEO, which is triggering for many of us, but his three fun facts include a passion for pickles, houseplants, and he had a bowl cut as a kid. Love that for him, and also for us, as we walk into the sunset hand in hand. Joe, a real estate developer and introvert, scared of spiders, and loves snacks? Yeah! I’m good! Sounds perfect! (That’s sincerity.) Leroy’s hot and smart and will certainly support my pen slot habit even though he hates gambling. Listen, Mollique’s favorite author is Nicholas Sparks and that could go either way, but you know what, life is short, might as well fuck around and find out. Nayte is 6’8, loves Edible Arrangements, and I would gladly climb this big man like a tree, thanks. Pardeep—smart as hell, and though his “Brooklyn edge” is worrisome to me, I can overlook that on account of his hotness, which is abundant.

Peter, a “pizzapreneur” from the Gulf Coast of Florida, loves wine, has a distaste for libraries (???) and looks like the sort of man who would never deign to touch my body. But I’d have a great time trying to bag this thick-necked Italian-American after about one to three tequila beverages and half an edible. PJ would absolutely ruin my life in ways that would take me years to really parse, but I’d allow it. Romeo, hello, I’ll excuse your passion for Burning Man, because unlike the majority of the people who appear on this program, you seem smart and hot. Spencer is giving me a chain over the turtleneck moment, and also appears to have the attention span of a gnat—perfect!

The Potato Men

Divorcés are fine, but Alec’s desire to find a wife who “appreciates” how much his career means to him sounds like a man I want nothing to do with, for many reasons. Ten points to him for touting the pleasures of cottage cheese, but aside from that, I’ll pass. Any man who says that chivalry isn’t dead is a hard pass, so I’m sorry to Chris S., a “commodities broker” in WeHo. Jack describes himself as “incredibly loyal”, which makes me think of a golden retriever, and he’s afraid of both dancing and onions: exhausting. No.

LT, a yoga guru from Bellevue, who has “never had to worry about much in his life” is an absolutely-the-fuck-not, no thank you, please keep it moving. Olumide is cute, but he hates tofu and believes in “fate”, and while I could work with one, I couldn’t work with the other (it’s the tofu), so sorry, bud. If Rick’s dog Nana is named after the dog in Peter Pan, then there might be a chance, but “game night” is a hard pass. I’m sorry Rodney was unable to fulfill his dream of being a football man, but any man that is eager to be “wifed-up” is sweet, but just not for me. (Though it would be an honor and a privilege to marry into a raisin ranching family.) Ryan of San Jose’s professed love for spreadsheets reminds me of that scene from the Joy Luck Club where one of the daughters was mad that her stick-in-the-mud husband did a spreadsheet for their finances, and though I respect it, I don’t want it. Just have separate bank accounts and call it a night, damn.

That’s it. That’s all the men. Real bumper crop of dudes, here! Best of luck and happy Bachelorette time to all those who observe.