Tomorrow is the first day of December, and we’re already being inundated with Christmas crap! Here’s a handy buyers guide.
The holiday is about the winter solstice and birth of Jesus Christ, but you’d never know it from the North Pole outhouse figurines, Troy Polamalu and pickle ornaments. Some of the weird stuff out there is actually kind of cool, like battery-operated Animal playing the drums. Some of it is kitschy, like Godzilla stomping Tokyo or Spock and Kirk battling to the death. But then there’s plenty of Christmas junk that’s plain bad. Terrible idea, poor execution, mind-blowingly ugly — the gang’s all here!
You know how the story goes: ‘Twas the night before Christmas; the chimney was covered with soot, not a creature was stirring, not even Big Foot. [Amazon]
Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like setting a caroler’s hair on fire. [Vermont Country Store]
Sometimes something is so bad it almost goes all the way back around to good again. As in just when you think you’re horrified by this, you realize how cute it might be in a Hollywood-esque boudoir. [Vermont Country Store]
Nothing we can write will be better than the official description of this item:
It’s time to get down this holiday season. This snowman pops, locks and drops it to the tune “Get Low” by Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz whenever his hand is pressed. His fun smile and energy are sure to enliven the atmosphere in anyone’s home. For indoor use only. In case you are not aware, the lyrics to “Get Low” include such festive phrases as “To the window, to the wall/To the sweat drip down my balls/To all these bitches crawl.” And don’t forget to do your crawling indoors only! [Bed Bath & Beyond]
Yes, Virginia, Santa has a bong. [Vermont Country Store]
A nice way to say “Christmas stinks.” [Bronner’s]
When the baby Jesus was born, he had no idea that someday someone would celebrate his birth with a “Tootin Tushies” ornament that farts when you squeeze it. [The Gag via Amazon]
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