The Best ‘Zimmerman Car Rescue Was Totally Staged’ Conspiracy Theories


Someone send this guy a cape. Since George Zimmerman, who killed — BUT DID NOT MURDER — Trayvon Martin “rescued” a “family” of “four” from a “car” “wreck” earlier this week, conspiracy theories have abounded about the circumstances to Zimmerman just HAPPENING to be right near a place where a car overturned in time to help a family in trouble mere days after his post-acquittal shit-eating grin was plastered all over every TV in America. And makes sense. This thing stinks to high heaven.

Did Zimmerman stage the crash? Did he just happen to be in the right place at the right time? Did Zimmerman’s friends on the police force help him out in a ham-fisted (let’s call it
“copsmart” in this context) scheme to boost his battered reputation? Did aliens build the pyramids? Is the whole universe a random accident brought about by indifferent physical forces and chemical reactions? Who killed JFK? Does Urban Outfitters think women magically never have to wear bras in the summertime WHY IS EVERYTHING BACKLESS YOU GUYS?

Some intrepid online sleuths have theorized, among other things, that the family involved in the relatively minor-sounding accident (there were no injuries reported so it wasn’t like that emotionally manipulative scene in Crash with the crying and the fire and the GLAYVEN) doesn’t want to do a press conference about it because they’re embarrassed/scared to be associated with Zimmerman. Another person has done some digging and found that the first officer to respond to the crash had been posting pro-Zimmerman stuff on Facebook in the days leading up to his acquittal. Others have even gone so far as to say the accident itself MAY NOT HAVE EVEN HAPPENED. I mean, Zimmerman reportedly saw his lawyer, the awful-seeming Mark O’Mara, after the accident and didn’t say anything about it. None of the victims of the crash talked about it on social media. Plus, Mercury’s in retrograde (right?).

The dark, stenchy depths of the right wing media has, predictably, gotten quite a boner over the prediction that liberals would be suspicious of a set of highly suspicious circumstances.

I say that we can probably do better than “Zimmerman RUINED THAT CAR’S TIRES USING A MAGICAL GUN!” or even “George Zimmerman sent his identical twin to help those car accident victims!” Do your worst/best, readers. What do you think *~rEaLlY*~ happened?

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