The Human Race Needs Space from Sydney Sweeney’s Birthday Guest List

There’s a criminally underrated song on an Ariana Grande album circa 2019 that begins by paraphrasing what Neil Armstrong said after first touching down on the moon: “One small step for woman, one giant leap for woman-kind.” For some reason, a version of the phrase was my first thought upon seeing photos of Sydney Sweeney’s space-themed birthday party. Allow me to paraphrase the paraphrased: One small party for woman, on giant loss for humankind.

On Saturday, the MAGA pin-up convened her closest friends at Vibiana, a cathedral and event space in Los Angeles, to celebrate her 28th year. God knows her 27th year was a big one. After breaking off her engagement from her longtime fiancé, Jonathan Davino, she attended the nuptials of oligarchs, bombed at the box office, was outted as a Republican voter, put her name to new money-making schemes for the male gaze, and attracted justifiable criticism. Oh, and she began a run at an Oscar. How ever will she top it? Well, turning one year older (but certainly not wiser) surrounded by the very worst people in Hollywood sure seems promising!

 

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Among the guest list were her new besties and business partners, Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez-Bezos; former castmate and PR co-puppet, Glen Powell (sorry baby, but this friendship is a real boner-killer); her new boyfriend, Scooter Braun; and at least two men who’ve either been accused of sexual assault or loudly supported someone who was, Diplo and Ashton Kutcher! According to photos, not one person dressed as Katy Perry going to space (in glam!), but I do think Sanchez-Bezos might’ve come as a Xenomorph. As for what the woman of the hour wore? Well, she just opted for a dress made famous by Britney Spears. What is it with fascist feminists and their insistence on cosplaying as far more interesting women? Anyway.

Sweeney and Braun didn’t do a couple’s costume (he was a Jedi…), though that’s not to say they aren’t serious. Recent reports indicate their relationship “feels like the L-word.” No, they’re not simultaneously seeing hot lesbians in business casual. They’re already in love. Or, lust.

“The attraction is she is hot as can be and he is an old soul who is helping her guide her way through sudden fame and her exploding career,” a source told the Daily Mail. “He gives great advice. They have what each other wants.” Old soul or…just old??? It could certainly be worse, but he is sixteen years older than she is.

Regardless, it seems like they’ve secured their spot on the planet Bezos will surely colonize after he’s through ruining this one.

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