Welcome to Grim Yelp Reviews, a new regular feature where we share people’s worst experiences at the worst places. This week: My Dinner with Andre areola.
The breastaurant is a baffling concept: a boob-themed restaurant. A restaurant where the servers are human women with breasts. An eatplace about tits. People going to breastaurants: you know strip clubs exist, right? And they have buffets? Women working at breastaurants: good for you. Bleed the beast. Up top.
The main breastaurant chains in the United States are Hooters, the Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks, and probably a few others, if I’d cared enough to do more than ten minutes of reading. Not surprisingly, the Yelp reviews of these places can be a special kind of grim. They are, by and large, penned by the type of person who believes that not only is it their right to eat endless chicken wings, but the lady bringing those wing better be hot, dammit, and those jugs better be awesome, so help me God, and that woman better be thrilled that I’m eyeing her rack and/or posterior. People who expect your service workers to fawn at your feet so much that you prefer places that require it of them: you are no small part of what’s wrong with America.
Grim Yelp reviews of these booberies can be divided into three broad complaint categories: subpar boobs, insufficient overall hotness, and wings. As with our Yelp reviews of boardwalks, everyone who wrote each of these reviews is just flat-out awful and incorrect. Sometimes there’s a little wiggle room. Sometimes the Yelper has a point or two. Not this week. God, no.
Usually, to protect the names of the innocent and not-so-innocent alike, we redact the names of the businesses, as well as the identities of the Yelpers who wrote the reviews. We didn’t do that with restaurant names this time. These are chains. There are a jillion of them. Let’s just do this.
Subpar Boobs
Weep for this poor man, who did not see the requisite number of boobs:
Hooters?! More like false advertisement! I was looking, believe me I was looking, & i did not see any ta-tas. I’ve been to many Hooters locations & most of the waitresses are hotties with a body but [City] hired girls (not women) without any assets at all.
Uh. Did you… did you think that you could touch them? Why would you think that, man?
Boobs I can’t touch aren’t worth that much to me. Only the aesthetics bumped this place to two stars.
On the flip side, we have this dude, who went to a tit restaurant and complained about all the tits. Just another fun reminder that women can’t win no matter what we do.
And this lady, who has opinions about other people’s bras, I guess:
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