This Amber Heard/Johnny Depp Story Makes Me Want to Leave Earth

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Here’s a story that made me want to ring Elon Musk’s doorbell, push my way past a dueling Grimes and Azealia Banks, and steal the keys to the secret rocket Musk keeps in his garage in the event that he suddenly needs to leave Earth. Johnny Depp has accused his ex-wife Amber Heard, the woman he allegedly used to physically abuse in fits of drunken rage, “of deliberately soiling the sheets after a violent row – sparked by him arriving two hours late to her 30th birthday party in April 2016.”

Not Heard personally, but her dogs. You know, the dogs they illegally smuggled into Australia, but let’s not get into that again. Per the Mirror, “a source close to Johnny, 55, said he thinks there is ‘strong, photographic evidence that connected Amber to the feces’ and it was left as a ‘prank.’”

But Heard’s publicist, bless them, released a statement denying the allegation. It reads:

“Boo has some serious bowel control issues. There was never a joke, it wasn’t something done to be disrespectful. It was an innocent thing, it’s what pets will do. We don’t have anything else to say. Ms Heard is moving on and we do not want to engage in this nonsense”

Get me off this thing.

[The Mirror]

OK, so maybe I’m making something out of nothing here, but this story about Justin Timberlake leaving his publicist of 20 years, Sonia Muckle, is setting off alarm bells in the gossip-loving corners of my brain (that’s my whole brain). A source who spoke to Us Weekly said, “Justin wasn’t happy with Sonia after the Super Bowl.” They also added that “the last straw” was the tepid response to his hilariously terrible and misguided recent album Man of the Woods.

If that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t be surprised by the firing. But blame two creative decisions on a publicist, but maybe I just don’t know the extent of her influence. Because on a personal level, Timberlake gets nothing but good press. It’s annoying, actually! He smiles at Jessica Biel and gets called an amazing, iconic husband. He casually mentions his baby and gets called an amazing, iconic father. Doesn’t that mean Muckle is doing something right? Is he trying to get ahead of something? Is there impending personal drama?!?!?! Us Weekly’s interest suggests there might be! But…what the hell do I know.

Anyway, the story takes an even more bizarre turn over at Variety, who is reporting that Timberlake left Muckle for Shawn Sachs, Paula Witt and Maggie Faircloth. If you don’t recognize those names, I understand. I didn’t either! All you have to know is that they also represent (drumroll, please) Janet Jackson. Weird!!! All of this is weird.

[Us Weekly]

A nice cover.


  • Looking was a great show that didn’t deserve the hate, and Raúl Castillo was one of the main reasons why. [People]
  • I cannot tell what’s going on here. [Page Six]
  • I can tell what’s going on here and I hate it. [Page Six]
  • Daddy took a bike ride. [Just Jared]
  • Here’s Jessica Biel casually saying a word I thought we didn’t use anymore on national television. [Today]
  • Don’t let anyone try and convince you that Thomas Markle is starting a clothing line! Like… if anything he’ll start a hoodie line. BUT THAT’S IT!!!! OK YOU IDIOTS? [TMZ]
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin