This Week in Tabloids: An Invite to Ogle Angie's Post-Mastectomy Boobs

By Dodai Stewart | July 17, 2013 | 8:30pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Today, Callie Beusman galloped to the newsstand and picked up the latest issues of Us, Ok!, Star, In Touch and Life & Style, and we saddled up, riding through tabloid meadows on beasts of gossip. This week: Cory Monteith’s last days were dark; Demi Moore’s in the desert with a shaman; Caitlyn from Teen Mom is no longer engaged; and we’re encouraged to check out Angelina Jolie’s post-mastectomy “curves.” WTF.

Ok!

Most Popular

“Angie & Brad’s Pregnancy Shocker: TWINS AGAIN!”

A “Jolie-Pitt” friend tells the magazine that Angie and Brad have “plans to add to their brood,” as though they were pigeons or a family of field mice. According to the source, Angelina Jolie may or may not be looking into IVF, which will make her 22% more likely to have twins. There is no pregnancy, there are no Jolie-Pitt Twins 2.0, and there is no shocker. So that “twins ultrasound” on the cover? Some other twins. Google Image twins, or stock photo twins. NOT ANGELINA’S TWINS. Surprise! Next, according to an insider, Eva Mendes is plagued with jealousy because she thinks that “every girl in the world” is obsessed with her man, Ryan Gosling. “It’s teenagers, cougars, models, actresses, waitresses, everyone!” says the source. Yep, covered all the bases with those designations. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Riley Keough are totally secretly in love. An insider says, “He loves that she’ll go into his kitchen for, like, 10 minutes and come back with a delicious bowl of pasta.” Okay. Lamar Odom threw a paparazzo’s equipment in the street for insinuating that he had been unfaithful, because he and Khloe are so in love. Also, in an exclusive interview about portraying a Native American, Jonny Depp literally says these words: “I do smoke the peace pipe… I like peace.” Oh, god.

Grade: F (dead horse)

In Touch

“Lea’s Anguish: He Could Have Been Saved”

The story here claims that, before Cory Monteith’s tragic death, he was reportedly seen wandering a gritty area known for drug activity and crime at 9 am. A source close to Lea Michelle describes her as being “in a haze of disbelief”; she was Cory’s biggest supporter, and apparently can’t stop wondering if there was anything she could have done. On a surprisingly touching note, an editor writes that Lea should realize that “she gave Cory all she could: unwavering love and support.” Heartbreaking. Also in this issue: Teen Mom Catelynn Lowell’s wedding is off. Her longtime boyfriend, Tyler Baltierra, broke the news to her in therapy. During Vh1’s Couples Therapy, to be more specific. Vh1’s resident Couples Therapist doesn’t see it as a set back, though. Hmm. In a very late-to-the-party story, the mag prints a timeline of every person Amanda Bynes has called ugly, which includes a photograph of Drake’s mom. Totally not necessary, guys. Moving on: Things are apparently going poorly between Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth, according to an eyewitness who detected “visible tension” between them last week because they were neither holding hands nor smiling after returning from a hike. Their hands were probably sweaty, eyewitness. Saving the worst for last, InTouch out-viles itself by printing a spread of Angelina Jolie’s “post-surgery curves” alongside an infographic of “Stars [Who] Went Smaller After Surgery.” Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Grade: F (lame horse)

Life & Style

Bachelorette Desiree: YES, I’M ENGAGED!

Bachelorette Desiree is engaged. Everything about it was perfect. “If this were a movie, it would have ended with Des and her fiancee walking off into the sunset hand in hand,” reads the copy. But it is a reality show, so instead they had to wait for the camera crew to pack up and then they both went into hiding separately. Let’s move on. Remember how Lamar threw that paparazzo’s equipment into the street because he loves Khloe? Never mind, it’s because Lamar is cheating on Khloe and he is SICK of being CALLED OUT. He has a mistress with whom he had a Christmas Eve threesome, according to a “report” that is never explained or substantiated in any way. Last: There is a very tasteless spread of “Angelina’s new figure,” which is lauded as “curvier” following her life-saving mastectomy. Come the fuck on.

Grade: D- (glue factory)

“Dark Final Days”

This cover story has quite a few details about the death of Cory Monteith. Apparently Lea Michele “completely lost her mind” when she found out; she didn’t know he’d started using again. His trip to Vancouver coincided with her girls’ beach vacation in Mexico, but she would not have gone if she’d known he was having problems, according to a source. In Vancouver, Cory went out drinking, was constantly interrupted by fans but indulged them by taking pictures with them and “left a huge tip” at the bar. A source claims he left rehab too soon and starting doing coke and heroin; other sources point out how everyone loved him, he was super kind, and involved in several different charities. Sad sad sad. Also inside: Kim Kardashian will reveal her post-baby body on her mom’s new talk show, so everyone can see how fast she lost weight. Set your DVR. Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult aka Tony from Skins are back together and in love. And finally, newly engaged Kelly Osbourne on her fiancé: “People say we’re codependent, but we just want to be together all the time.” Oh l’amour!

Grade: B- (hobby horse)

Star

“$67 Million Divorce!”

It’s important to understand that Khloe and Lamar have not filed for divorce. But Jennifer Richardson, the woman who claims she had a year-long affair with Lamar, has “opened up” (cough) to Star. She claims their relationship was not merely sexual but emotional, too: “He told me on many occasions hat he loved me,” she insists. Lamar is worth $56 million and Khloe is worth $11 so IF they got divorced it COULD be a $67 million case. Jennifer says: “Lamar led me to believe his marriage was just a business arrangement. But I can tell Khloe that I’m not the only woman, there have been many. I just happened to be around the longest.” Also? The incident in which Lamar snapped on some paparazzo happened one block from Jennifer’s former home. Blergh. Also inside: Demi Moore took daughter Rumer Willis to a séance in the New Mexico desert where they slept in a teepee with a shaman and conjured the spirit of Demi’s late mother, Virginia. You know, the usual Friday night hijinks. Amanda Bynes hates body hair and shaves her arms and stomach. Finally: Remember Justin Timberlake’s nudie video for “Tunnel Vision?” It pissed off his wife, Jessica Biel, who, like anyone with eyes, found it tasteless. “Justin told her it’s just art,” says a source who surely knows how full of toro caca that sounds.

Grade: C (broken rocking horse)

Addendum

Fig 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Life & Style