This Week In Tabloids: Are Justin & Hailey Bieber Proof That Heterosexuality Should Be Illegal?

Climbing out of that particular sinkhole,

• Matthew McConaughey stole a rattlesnake skin thong from the set of Magic Mike
• Snake oil saleswoman Goop is being sued for her alleged involvement in a ski-slope hit and run.
• In Touch claims that a random British child, seen smiling at temporary Canadian Meghan Markle, “must be a fan of Suits!”
• Kate Beckinsale was spotted with a high ponytail and the personification of bleached tips, Pete Davidson.
• Christina Applegate made her landmark return to television in an M&M’s commercial.

Ok!:

Despite every evidence to the contrary, Hillsong attendees Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber are allegedly divorcing! According to a source, the Instagram model reconsidered her nuptials when a troubled Selena Gomez was hospitalized late last year. (Who remembers Justin’s frequent public breakdowns?) While this gossip columnist is inclined to believe the tipster simply read their recent Vogue profile, I’m already exhausted by the press blitz around these sexless 20-somethings. If I had a nickel for every person I overheard discussing these two, I’d have more cheap idioms than nickels. Have they been unhappily married long enough to even warrant a couple name? Jailey? Hustin? Biebwin? The cover also features a pregnant Princess Eugenie (who?) and a meaningless Brangelina blurb. Ok! making choices!

In worse news, Zac Efron is still platinum blonde and recovering bleach job Pete Davidson was photographed with an egg sandwich. There’s a source claiming Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks pivoted to a life as Little Monsters. Is this where Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germanotta is getting her acting advice from? Despite dodging any lasting career backlash from his peers or the public, I’m still shocked at Ok! posturing Amber Heard’s split from abusive nightmare king Johnny Depp as a “messy breakup.” There’s also an allegation that Lyme Disease advocate Bella Hadid wore it better than national treasure Sandra Oh. Don’t turn on the news for the next few days, because I definitely did NOT just cause a scene. And last but certainly not the least, Eva Longoria called the paparazzi on herself for some candid Old Navy #spon. Can we finally bring Desperate Housewives back? I can’t bear flipping through photos of discount yoga pants (or worse, Hyaluronic acid partnerships.)

• My hair fried off seeing Macy Grey photographed with Avril Lavigne
• Anne Hathaway has a psychic connection with her 3 year old.
• Rose Leslie is not a fan of Kit Harrington’s mustache.
• I cannot escape Slimfast Keto advertisements.
• Elizabeth Banks is definitely an Aquarius.

Life & Style:

I’m desperately attempting sympathy for notable The Bachelor fans Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher but I just can’t find it! According to a “source”, their marriage hasn’t worked since the “honeymoon period” ended. Listen, girls and gays: the “honeymoon period” was invented by the Heterosexuality Industrial Complex to indoctrinate you with the belief that men’s affection should only last for a brief moment. Don’t be fooled! I’m also reminded that the pair’s first “romantic interaction” was when Kunis, age 14, kissed Kutcher, age 19. Yuck! Regardless there’s not much meat to these allegations outside of anecdotes shared on Live With Kelly! Let’s guess the source instead:

• Disgruntled and underpaid nanny.
• Jaded family member with a secret.
• Waitress they stiffed.
• Makeup artist she cried in front of.

We’re also alerted to an alleged feud between white blondes, Margot Robbie and Lady Gaga. According to a spy, the pair of symmetrically faced rich women drew swords at the SAG Awards after Margot accused Ally Maine of “stealing her crown.” Must be a slow month at Life & Style! I won’t indulge retired Bird Box meme Sandra Bullock’s secret wedding, and if you’re curious why Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum’s divorce turned nasty: She saw his Lip Sync Battle “performance”!

More importantly, Idina Menzel opted out of introducing her 9 year old to the Lovecraftian nightmare known as the Tooth Fairy. Let’s get this trend in Goop and really make waves! There’s also the bonkers claim that Timotheeé Chalamet wore it better than Jamie Lee Curtis, proof that Thirst Wins! Life & Style also insists on kicking Kelly Osbourne around for her sobriety weight gain. Despite the obvious fatphobia, leave that lady alone. I’d much rather roast Jerry O’Connell for flashing his lower back hair on Watch What Happens Live. While I’m growing weary of watching the Dark Lord desperately search for the keys to Wendy William’s castle, let’s brace ourselves for the inevitable! Even worse, Kourtney “I’m totally fine with Scott and Sofia” Kardashian is allegedly dating a 26 year old Christian accountant. Certainly a pivot from her troubled relationship with Scott Disick, the human personification of skid-marked underwear!

• Did you see Grammy Award winner Cardi B show up to court with full furs and a Birkin last week?
• Claire Foy, definitely an actress, “didn’t get life” until 32.
• Chrissy Teigen doesn’t peel her own garlic.
• Floribama Shore star Gus Smyrnios recommends eating at The Cheesecake Factory.
• Remember when Debra Messing was in Smash? Her iconic role is integral to a joke about her lack of a sex life.

Us Weekly:

While I’m generally hesitant to pry into parenting rumors in fear of what I might find, Hayden Panettiere’s absentee mothering has been a gossip fixture for weeks. At the center of this particular story is, I think, disbelief that a mother would give primary custody to ex-husband Wladimir Klitschko. It’s worth noting that society places the onus of parenthood entirely on mothers and giving up custody to a father is entirely taboo. There’s also an undercurrent of classist judgement that she’d let Kaya, her daughter, live with family in Ukraine over Los Angeles! Us Weekly follows up with Hayden, who does herself a disservice with this defense of her motherhood: “We go on nice, long vacations that result in an email from her school saying, “Your kid has been gone too long.” I’m wishing the best for Kaya!

Moving on, I can’t escape Eva Longoria’s Old Navy leggings and Rihanna wore it better. I’d also like to petition for a new reality show, as The Good Place fan Dax Shepard is repeatedly reminding me he’s a Hollywood Dad and I need something to keep him occupied and out of my tabloids. Peta Murgatroyd, in the same spread, outlines the rigorous Dancing With The Stars workout she puts her baby through. Choices! And is anyone else concerned for Celine Dion in the wake of rumors that she’s been spotted out with a symmetrically faced backup dancer? He’s got a jawline just begging for a Lifetime adaptation!

There’s also incredibly valuable reporting on celebrities Valentine’s Day plans. Let’s dive in:

• Dascha Polanco wants to get naked and perform a “moon dance” on the beach.
• Bachelor Nation’s Sean and Catherine Lowe will postmates sushi.
• David Harbour, a Stranger Things somebody, will simply “be” with his girlfriend.
• Bishop Briggs, who I’ve been informed is a singer, will catch up on Vanderpump Rules. Relatable!
• Teddi Mellencamp, wellness entrepreneur, will “be in a good mood.” Ominous!

I’d love to round this out on a two-page spread surrounding allegations that anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood is lying about his virginity. Setting aside my serious investigation into the state of modern American thirst, I have a much simpler inquiry: Do people actually debate the activity surrounding this man’s genitals? If so, let’s collectively get a new hobby!

And that’s all I’ve got for you. Stay warm and enjoy this week’s collage!