This Week In Tabloids: Babies, Bisexuals & Tim Gunn With His Pants Down

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which assistant Margaret and I search for real “news” in the weekly tabloids. Step inside for free-swingin’, AC/DC stories from Us, In Touch, Life & Style, Ok! and Star.

“Real Sizes Revealed.”
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, “I’m sick and tired of his bullshit.” Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin “craves guy time” and is “constantly flirting.” There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It’s sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it’s also sort of weird. He says: “I haven’t been on a date in 26 years.” Awww. But then he says: “It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone.”
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
“Thin By Summer!” Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: “Lindsay’s Back To Boys,” since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two “disappeared into the bathroom” for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she’s “back on men.” The mag asks, “was she ever really into girls in the first place?” A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is “holed up in her hotel” in NY because she’s afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: “Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she’s single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds.” Also in the article: “The bottom line is, she’s pretty lonely.” A four page story addresses the burning question: “Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?” There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire’s “soulful eyes.” 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: “Rob is Edward. He’s so complicated, so poetic, so sensual.” What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says “I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it’s done safely.” Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey’s Casebook, it’s “Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?” Rosario Dawson, 29, has “flawless, young-looking” hands. Dr. Rey says, “She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey’s Well-In-Hand.” And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon’s hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

“Rehab For Tori!” Candy Spelling says she’d be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says “If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough.” Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are “drifting apart.” Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: “Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She’s got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he’s married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction.” Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of “Stars Without Makeup” and bitchy blurbs like this: “When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl.” Britney and Kevin had a “talk” about having more babies together. Her idea. She’s “seriously considering” their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can “relate” to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: “Pre-push presents.” Rihanna’s best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

“We’re Having Baby No. 4”
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? “We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren’t hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister.” Also, Heidi says of Seal: “I knew right away he was my dream husband.” There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: “Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?” Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
“Brad Moves Out.” This cover is not to be confused with last August’s “Brad Storms Out” or May 2008’s “Brad Walks Away.” [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says “She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop.” Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah’s straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It’s supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, “It’s just a plot line, they’re not really getting married.” It’s happening in a church that’s also a “closed set” and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to “do something dramatic.” A “pal” says of Speidi, “They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV.” Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: “He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40.” Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her “baby dream” because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and “enjoyed the experience a lot.” She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the “no touching” rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as “the closer,” the one who would do “special favors” for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman’s stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he’s been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, “I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland.” Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

Fig. 8

Fig. 9

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin