This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé's $500K Minivan Has A Shower


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we rifle through the attics of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star, in search of hidden gossip treasures. This week, Demi Moore is scary-skinny thin gaunt and wasting away; Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez might become a scorching hot bride and groom; and Pregnancé is ready to be a mom, since she bought a Mercedes minivan that looks like a private jet inside.

“Don’t Leave Me!”
As you may have heard, there is tension in the Kardashian-Humphries marriage. Kris and Kim were seen leaving a nightclub and he didn’t hold her hand. Horrors! Also, “his expression was troubled.” Kim is tired of playing referee between her husband and her family, and blah blah blah. Moving on: Deena from Jersey Shore models Halloween costumes (See Fig. 1), including something called “Maiden.” I don’t know, maybe the Raggedy Ann people prosecute if you use the name in vain. Demi Moore is “literally starving for attention.” Literally. Jennifer Lopez and Bradley Cooper had a “proper sleepover” date, and she is “privately referring to him as her boyfriend.” Lastly, Jennifer Aniston is “proud of her bump.” She’s pregnant because she has a “noticeably curvier, more buxom figure,” a “serious pouch” and a “fuller bustline.” Plus, she looks “happier,” she’s been “glowing,” she is “radiant,” and “happy and fresh.” Pregnancy or spa facial? You be the judge.
Grade: F (rats in the attic)

In Touch
“The Secrets That Could Ruin Them.”
Since you’re well aware I do not follow or condone the following of the Housewives, I don’t know if the “dirty secrets revealed” are indeed dirty or secret. Here they are: Jacqueline was a stripper and Chris’ business filed for bankruptcy when it owed creditors $25 million. Teresa “caught” Joe with a hot blonde in Atlantic City — and by “caught” they mean he was seen leaving a hotel room at 2 a.m. and someone told his wife. Caroline’s sons were allegedly in a violent fight in Punta Cana, during which they stomped and kicked two other guys. Cops interrogated the sons and their passports were seized but it doesn’t seem like charges were filed in the end. Let’s move on! Beyoncé’s unborn child, The Greatest Fetus Of All Time™, is going to be a baby girl. Pregnancé has already asked her mom to design the nursery, and Tina Knowles has been shopping at Gucci, Louis Vuitton and Gap for baby clothes. Sad news: Snooki and J-Woww are not speaking to each other. Blame Jionni, Snooki’s boyfriend, who is controlling and turned Snickers into “one of those needy girls.” And blame Snooki’s drinking — J-Woww is sick of the boozy antics. Also, J-Woww’s boyfriend, Roger Williams — the guido, not the theologian — hates being around Snooki and Jionni. Sniffle. Hate to see anything come between those girls! If Demi Moore is “in denial,” it certainly doesn’t help is to compare and contrast minute differences between her body in 2009 and her body now. Seriously. (See Fig. 2). Also, the litany of terms like “rail-thin” and “bone-thin” and “wasting away” is just more proof that A. A woman’s body is public domain and always up for discussion and dissection and B. A celebrity may not be thin or fat. You can’t win! Finally, and this is presented without comment, “Celeb Boobs Come In All Sizes.” (See Fig. 3) Actually, here is a comment: I feel for the tree whose life was cut short so that this story could be printed on paper. Can someone get the Lorax on line one?
Grade: D- (old newspapers in the attic)

Life & Style
“Starving To Keep Her Man.”
Someone really gave the thesaurus a workover for this “scary-skinny” Demi Moore story. Demi is “swimming in her clothes,” has a “bony chest,” “withered arms,” “gaunt cheeks,” and a “shocking waistline.” Also “sunken cheeks,” “bony arms” and “a waist thinner than a child’s.” She is “painfully skinny” and almost “vanished in her dress.” Are you getting it yet? She’s thin! A “fashion insider” says: “She’s smaller than a size 0 — her size doesn’t exist.” And now we present a campaign to institute new sizing: Atom, Neutron, Quark. Demi is not the only one being critiqued for her appearance: Katie Holmes is “drained and saggy” and Angelina Jolie is merely “gaunt.” Also inside this issue: George Clooney has “transformed” girlfriend Stacy Keibler by purchasing red-carpet clothes for her. A “pal” says: “She could barely get into clubs six months ago. Now the phone’s ringing off the hook.” Hey, have you seen Mariah Carey’s baby draped in diamonds and pearls? (See Fig. 4) Okay, so, are you ready? Beyoncé and Jay-Z have a $500,000 Mercedes-Benz minivan that is “more like a private jet” than a car. (See Fig. 5) Of course it has hand-stitched leather seats, desks and a flat-screen TV. Of course it has wi-fi. But it also has a full bathroom, including a shower. I guess when you’re a mogul running back and forth to meetings you need to freshen up on the go? I don’t even have a bike. (I do have a Metrocard.) Finally, the story called “Who Needs A Nose Job?” is not what you think — Khloe Kardashian says she uses makeup to countour and minimize her schnozz.
Grade: D+ (old clothes in the attic)

Kim and Kris, y’all. Trouble in paradise. A “source” says “Kris is not drinking the Kardashian Kool-Aid.” Maybe he can’t afford it? Heh. Kim told him he needs to be productive. The family has an insane work ethic and it doesn’t jibe well with his unemployed lifestyle. Kim is a “Sugar Mama,” and so on and so forth. It is so boring. Oh, but here’s a great quote about Khloe’s attitude toward Kris: “She is fiercely loyal, and she just feels like Kris is a greedy, douche-y interloper in their family.” Raise your hand if you believe it! And now let’s move on. Ricki Lake has lost 20 lbs. by participating on Dancing With The Stars. She was a size 10 in September, a size 6 in early October, and is now a size 4. And last, but not least, a quote from Eddie Murphy: “I haven’t read a newspaper in 20 years. You have to have a filter on what you let in. I don’t have no email, no computer, none of it. I don’t need to be on Facebook!” Gosh, maybe ignorance is bliss?
Grade: C- (vintage dishes in the attic)

“Jen & Justin Married!”
J’Anthrax might have maybe perchance perhaps possibly coulda eloped! A source says Jen is always in contact with her FRIENDS, haha, no one told you life was gonna be this way, clap clap clap clap, but recently she and Justin went MIA for a week. Investigative “pals” suggest the two snuck off to Cabo San Lucas for a hush-hush ceremony. All together now: Pics or it didn’t happen! And in case you’re wondering why Justifer would get hitched without telling anyone, it’s because Jen was “convinced” she was pregnant recently (maybe she read it in Ok!). The source says it was a false alarm, but “it won’t be long till Jen publicly announces that she’s pregnant.” Moving along: Lady Gaga is dating Taylor Kinney from The Vampire Diaries, but she’s also still talking to — and still seeing — Lüc Carl. Beyoncé and Jay-Z have not one, not two, but three “superchic” baby nurseries for their homes in Miami, Manhattan and Scarsdale, each of which will cost them more than $250,000 each. Pregnancé wants 18K gold trim on everything, and cashmere throws, and a flat-screen, and an iPod dock, and a UNICORN. Okay it doesn’t say that but you know she would if she could. Halle Berry has “found her true soul mate,” and he is Olivier Martinez. They’ve discussed getting hitched and would love a small, intimate affair in the countryside in France. Kim Kardashian has moved out of the Gansevoort hotel, where she and Kris were living, and apparently this was a surprise to Kris, who thought they would be there until the end of the year. Price Harry is being called “Harry The Homewrecker,” since he maybe smooched this lady at a tavern who has a boyfriend. Last! Lindsay Lohan has managed to form a “friendship” with a “powerful, political type” dude who is well-connected in Washington, D.C. He has promised to help her get out of trouble… Fingers crossed his name is not Eliot Spitzer. Or Anthony Weiner. Or Rick Santorum. Or…
Grade: C (retro political campaign memorabilia in the attic)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

Fig. 5, from Life & Style

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