Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we rifle through the attics of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star, in search of hidden gossip treasures. This week, Demi Moore is scary-skinny thin gaunt and wasting away; Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez might become a scorching hot bride and groom; and Pregnancé is ready to be a mom, since she bought a Mercedes minivan that looks like a private jet inside.
Ok!
“Don’t Leave Me!”
As you may have heard, there is tension in the Kardashian-Humphries marriage. Kris and Kim were seen leaving a nightclub and he didn’t hold her hand. Horrors! Also, “his expression was troubled.” Kim is tired of playing referee between her husband and her family, and blah blah blah. Moving on: Deena from Jersey Shore models Halloween costumes (See Fig. 1), including something called “Maiden.” I don’t know, maybe the Raggedy Ann people prosecute if you use the name in vain. Demi Moore is “literally starving for attention.” Literally. Jennifer Lopez and Bradley Cooper had a “proper sleepover” date, and she is “privately referring to him as her boyfriend.” Lastly, Jennifer Aniston is “proud of her bump.” She’s pregnant because she has a “noticeably curvier, more buxom figure,” a “serious pouch” and a “fuller bustline.” Plus, she looks “happier,” she’s been “glowing,” she is “radiant,” and “happy and fresh.” Pregnancy or spa facial? You be the judge.
Grade: F (rats in the attic)
In Touch
“The Secrets That Could Ruin Them.”
Since you’re well aware I do not follow or condone the following of the Housewives, I don’t know if the “dirty secrets revealed” are indeed dirty or secret. Here they are: Jacqueline was a stripper and Chris’ business filed for bankruptcy when it owed creditors $25 million. Teresa “caught” Joe with a hot blonde in Atlantic City — and by “caught” they mean he was seen leaving a hotel room at 2 a.m. and someone told his wife. Caroline’s sons were allegedly in a violent fight in Punta Cana, during which they stomped and kicked two other guys. Cops interrogated the sons and their passports were seized but it doesn’t seem like charges were filed in the end. Let’s move on! Beyoncé’s unborn child, The Greatest Fetus Of All Time™, is going to be a baby girl. Pregnancé has already asked her mom to design the nursery, and Tina Knowles has been shopping at Gucci, Louis Vuitton and Gap for baby clothes. Sad news: Snooki and J-Woww are not speaking to each other. Blame Jionni, Snooki’s boyfriend, who is controlling and turned Snickers into “one of those needy girls.” And blame Snooki’s drinking — J-Woww is sick of the boozy antics. Also, J-Woww’s boyfriend, Roger Williams — the guido, not the theologian — hates being around Snooki and Jionni. Sniffle. Hate to see anything come between those girls! If Demi Moore is “in denial,” it certainly doesn’t help is to compare and contrast minute differences between her body in 2009 and her body now. Seriously. (See Fig. 2). Also, the litany of terms like “rail-thin” and “bone-thin” and “wasting away” is just more proof that A. A woman’s body is public domain and always up for discussion and dissection and B. A celebrity may not be thin or fat. You can’t win! Finally, and this is presented without comment, “Celeb Boobs Come In All Sizes.” (See Fig. 3) Actually, here is a comment: I feel for the tree whose life was cut short so that this story could be printed on paper. Can someone get the Lorax on line one?
Grade: D- (old newspapers in the attic)
Life & Style
“Starving To Keep Her Man.”
Someone really gave the thesaurus a workover for this “scary-skinny” Demi Moore story. Demi is “swimming in her clothes,” has a “bony chest,” “withered arms,” “gaunt cheeks,” and a “shocking waistline.” Also “sunken cheeks,” “bony arms” and “a waist thinner than a child’s.” She is “painfully skinny” and almost “vanished in her dress.” Are you getting it yet? She’s thin! A “fashion insider” says: “She’s smaller than a size 0 — her size doesn’t exist.” And now we present a campaign to institute new sizing: Atom, Neutron, Quark. Demi is not the only one being critiqued for her appearance: Katie Holmes is “drained and saggy” and Angelina Jolie is merely “gaunt.” Also inside this issue: George Clooney has “transformed” girlfriend Stacy Keibler by purchasing red-carpet clothes for her. A “pal” says: “She could barely get into clubs six months ago. Now the phone’s ringing off the hook.” Hey, have you seen Mariah Carey’s baby draped in diamonds and pearls? (See Fig. 4) Okay, so, are you ready? Beyoncé and Jay-Z have a $500,000 Mercedes-Benz minivan that is “more like a private jet” than a car. (See Fig. 5) Of course it has hand-stitched leather seats, desks and a flat-screen TV. Of course it has wi-fi. But it also has a full bathroom, including a shower. I guess when you’re a mogul running back and forth to meetings you need to freshen up on the go? I don’t even have a bike. (I do have a Metrocard.) Finally, the story called “Who Needs A Nose Job?” is not what you think — Khloe Kardashian says she uses makeup to countour and minimize her schnozz.
Grade: D+ (old clothes in the attic)