This Week In Tabloids: Kim Is Leaving Kanye, Gwen Is Leaving Blake, and I'm Leaving Earth

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we continue last week’s format and break down the “news” by topic—not magazine—because it’s what I feel like doing. This week, conflicting reports of Kimye/Gwake splits, identical reports of Bennifer 2.0’s reconciliation, and an irritating disconnect between cover headline and inside story.

Let’s do this.

Splitsville, Population: 4

Kim & Kanye

Two of this week’s tabloids feature Kim and Kanye’s split as their primary cover stories, but they tell very different versions of the events leading up to it. By “it” I mean the split, and by “split” I mean “the thing that hasn’t actually happened,” but that’s besides the point.

In Touch’s claim is the more believable and less incendiary of the two, and details some fight that happened at New York City’s Waldorf Astoria hotel. While preparing to “present his Yeezy Season 3 clothing line at Madison Square Garden,” Star claims Kanye “grew increasingly belligerent.” A source claims he was screaming, “I’M KANYE WEST AND MY WIFE IS KIM FUCKING KARDASHIAN,” loud enough to wake up Saint and North—that’s never not a fun pair of names to type—and that’s when Kim “kicked [Kanye] out. Though she “knows a third divorce” will be interpreted as “another humiliating failure,” she’s intent on leaving him, and has already lawyered up. (We covered this last week.)

But while In Touch is out here claiming it was a simple fight that led to their impending divorce, Star has a more gasp-worthy story—by which I mean a better one. They claim the split was ordered by Kris Jenner in a fit of fire-spewing rage, during which she said Kanye has “siphoned off millions of dollars from their family” and “refused her recent plea to hire a crisis manager.” Typical mother-in-law complaints, to be honest. A source claims “Kris finally told [Kim] that Kanye was ruining their brand and draining their money—and that she should end it as soon as possible.” Her face then returned to its human form and she rolled the stone back over the doorway into her office.

But not every tabloid is convinced their relationship will soon be over! OK! had a slightly less melodramatic interpretation of Kanye’s recent behavior, writing,“Kim is at the end of her rope [and] doesn’t know how to help him.” Fascinating.

Gwen & Blake

While we’re on the subject of shocking breakups that will send you into a spiral of depression and Postal Service tracks, allow me to ruin your day with news that the split of the Gwake atom has caused an explosion that rocked just about all of the entertainment world. But there was no fight at the Waldorf or interference from Blake’s mother; they broke up over text messages from Miranda Lambert. The incident, which OK! has called “The Tale of the Texts,” reads like a very entertaining Lifetime movie. So what happened was that Miranda got Gwen’s cellphone number and started calling her. Because Gwen didn’t have the number in her phone, she didn’t answer. When the calls wouldn’t stop coming, Gwen started texting the number things like, “Who the hell is this and how did you get the number of me, Gwen Stefani, Voice judge, international superstar, and the love of Blake Shelton’s life?” That’s when things flew off the rails.

Apparently, Miranda felt no need to be sneaky . She identified herself by calling Gwen a “home-wrecker,” the source says, and added that Gwen was “lucky I didn’t find you and kick your ass.” Then, Miranda really stuck the knife in, the source claims, by saying that Gwen’s career was “over” and she and her music hadn’t “been relevant since the ‘90s.” Ouch!

Would you believe me if I told you that I was the one who was texting Gwen Stefani?
Isn’t it funny how the tabloids love to shade famous people by making up quotes from other famous people? Like, someone loved typing out that fake Miranda burn.

Anyway. Gwen allegedly called up Blake, said they were through, and Miranda poured herself another whiskey and just stared happily at a wall in her den for a solid four hours. Good for Miranda! Good for all of them, actually. Nobody needs a love triangle. Wait. “Nobody Needs a Love Triangle” sounds like a hit Gwen Stefani single. Can’t you just hear it? “I can’t stand the stressin’, I can’t stand the questions’ / I can’t stand her showin’ up inside of all my mentions / Oooh, I’m tired of lookin’ at your words from every angle / boy, this time it’s over ‘cause nobody needs a love triangle.” Someone get Max Martin on the line.

But, again, not every tabloid agrees on things and has their own team of people concocting interactions between our favorite (least favorite?) famous people. In Life & Style, they report that even though Miranda is putting in extra shifts to break Gwen and Blake up, it’s not exactly working. A source claims, “Gwen doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong” and that she’s ready to fight to keep her man. “I’m Gonna Fight to Keep My Man,” by the way, sounds like a Miranda Lambert single.

Backtogethersville, Population: 2

Bennifer 2.0

Well, well, well. It looks like we can officially decrease the Summer of Splits count by one, because after “waging an all-out campaign to win back wife Jennifer garner,” OK! is proud to report that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are “back together.” Ben reportedly believes the two are “soul mates” and has spent the past few months “inundating” Jen with “compliments and flowers”—he even gave her a “tearful apology,” which I’m dying to see GoPro footage of. Life & Style also reported the news of their mended relationship, writing “Jen says she’s willing to give their marriage another shot and see what happens,” adding that “they’ve talked about renewing their vows at home on their 11th wedding anniversary in June.” Star’s report was nearly identical to Life & Style’s, which leads me to believe some lucky tipster got double the cash this week.

Isn’t it interesting how they reconciled just in time to promote Batman v. Superman? I think it’s very interesting.

There’s a cover story about the suicide of former Bachelor contestant Lex McAllister in Life & Style, but it’s far too sad and serious for me to write about. So I’m going to skip it. Sorry!

Worst Mom in Hollywood?

Charlize Theron is “Hollywood’s worst mom,” according to cover of Star, but the inside story says she’s sort of…anything but that? Apparently the “very strict” Charlize pulled her son out of dance class, which led to him throwing a fit in the parking lot, after which she put him in the car and took him home for a “much-needed time out.”

Said a bystander, “I definitely felt bad for her. It’s embarrassing for any mother to have to deal with their child making a huge scene in public.”

Like so many celebrity moms, she’s Monster on the cover, and Sweet November inside.

Dear Lori Loughlin,

This is not a guilty pleasure. Try harder next time.

Best,

Bob

And Also:

Kaley Cuoco and Sam Hunt are 100% a thing, and I’m 30% certain I know who they are.
Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are hell-bent on having a child together.
Joe Jonas is hooking up with Suki Waterhouse, which, I mean, look. Please don’t make me get into this one. I don’t have the strength.
Danny Moder walked out on Julia Roberts for the 500th time.
Demi Moore spent $2 million on a makeover and now feels “incredible.”
Chris Rock and his “estranged wife” Malaak Compton Rock are still battling it out in court.
There are so many photos of Simon Baker surfing.
Does anyone actually care about Simon Baker surfing?
Khloe and Lamar want to have a baby.
I want you to wear loafers all week.
I also want you to wear peach all week.
And, while we’re at it, I want you to “rock a ponytail” this week.
If you do none of these things this week, I will tell Miranda Lambert to get drunk and send you angry texts.

Appendix:

Fig. 1 -In Touch

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