This Week In Tabloids: Kim Kardashian's Marriage Is Her First Step Toward Divorce


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we say “I do” to In Touch, Star, Us, Life & Style and Ok!. This week, Ali Lohan’s modeling agent thinks she has the “perfect” look; Jay-Z has a secret son living in Trinidad; and newly wed Kim Kardashian is already miserable.

“Angie Sabotages Jen’s Wedding.”
Despite the headline here, Angelina Jolie has not dressed in black, sneaked into a chapel and put whoopie cushions on the pews. No, instead, Jen and Angie are in a “race to the altar,” like which sounds like the tortoise and the hare have to make an emergency human sacrifice. The copy reads: “Angie is not only fast-and-furiously racing Jen to the altar, she is determined to overshadow the romantic-comedy queen by throwing the more dazzling nuptials.” There’s a sidebar here called “Wedding Wars,” (see Fig. 1) in which we discover that Angie’s wedding will be in New Orleans, with roses and red meat, while Jen’s will be in New York, with orchids and seafood. And while Jen may have Courteney Cox at her wedding, Angelina wins, because on her invitee list is The U.N. The building, not the people inside. In other nuptial news, Jessica Simpson’s wedding is on hold because she can’t make up her mind about the dress, the location, the food, etc. Lastly, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are in a “baby rush” — despite the fact that you just can’t rush a baby. (They just don’t listen. Stubborn things.)
Grade: F (hubby who insults you)

Life & Style
“Why She Gave Up Her Baby.”
Answer: To go to school. Moving on: If you’ve been wondering how 37-year-old Eva Mendes “won” 30-year-old Ryan Gosling, know this: He prefers older women. When they started filming The Place Beyond The Pines — playing a married couple — they started hanging out, and one thing lead to another. A source says of their trip to Disney: “I don’t know if this is a sign about their future, but they spent a lot of time in Tomorrowland!” Yuk yuk. George Clooney is “smitten” with Stacy Keibler, who is not an elf and does not live in a tree baking cookies, and “he wasn’t like this with Elisabetta Canalis.” It’s because she is equally happy getting dressed up or playing beer pong with the boys. “He says she’s the female version of himself,” a “friend” notes. “And he finds that very attractive.” Ali Lohan has “slimmed down” to be a model. Her agent says, “She has the perfect look, very European, more angular.” Oh, that’s what you call that. European. Huh. (See Fig. 2) After going to a wedding in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have decided to “finally” tie the knot. She gave him an ultimatum and he thinks it’s time to settle down. Plus, he wants to be a young dad. Apparently she already went to Neil Lane and looked at rings. Finally, Leighton Meester and Justin “I’m A Mac” Long are getting serious: They were seen in a Hollywood restaurant, holding hands and kissing. Don’t tell Chuck Bass.
Grade: D- (hubby who won’t wear his ring)

In Touch
“Secret Breakdown.”
Kendra Wilkinson secretly suffered post-partum depression. Sometimes it was so intense, she would lock herself in her closet to scream and cry. All of this is in her new book, Being Kendra, which comes out September 20. Also inside: Brad Pitt wants Angelina Jolie to be a stay-at-home mom. “He feels like the children’s emotional problems — particularly Pax’s tendency to act out and Shiloh’s brattiness — have gotten better with their mother around,” says a source. Meanwhile, Taylor Armstrong is “Starving For Attention.” and has “major eating issues,” and eats even less when she is stressed. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are having the “post-wedding blues.” The reality has set in, and it’s getting tense, because they have very different ways of living. Kim is worried about having to relocated to the middle of nowhere, if Kris gets signed by a team in an icky state. Also, Kim shops and shops and shops, while Kris is unemployed. They are married, “but financially they are divided,” says an insider. Also — and perhaps worst of all — “Kris snores like a freight train.” Next: Ryan Reynolds has the key to Sandra Bullock’s heart — and the key to her house. He’s living with her in LA and in Austin, “until he figures out a permanent situation.” Sandy is fine with it: “She likes having him around.” Fun fact: Teresa Giudice’s wedding dress — which recreates an obscure and terrifying fairy tale about being eaten alive by a rose bush — cost $25,000. (See Fig. 3) Lastly: Lady Gaga is dating Taylor Kinney, who played a werewolf on The Vampire Diaries, but when they met, Kinney had a girlfriend. A “friend” says that After Taylor shot the “You and I” video in Nebraska in July, he came back and joked that Gaga had a crush on him. Then In August, he stopped calling his ladyfriend Brittany, and she found out that he was with Gaga by reading it online. Ouch.
Grade: D (hubby who’s unemployed)

“Kim Defends Her Love”
Apparently when he was leaving the rehearsal dinner before the wedding, Kris Humphries was “really rude” to a group of photographers waiting outside. A source gasps, “In Kardashianland, you just don’t do that.” Kardashianland! Where the paparazzi are treated like kings! Where there’s a flashbulb in every driveway, and the streets are strewn with diamonds and bandage dresses! And national anthem is sung with while keeping your features in a serious sexyface! All hail Kardashianland! Anyway, Kourt and Klo think Kris is a “weird, big, clumsy oaf,” and have been giving him the cold shoulder, so it’s been super awkward having him around. Kim cut footage from the show because it was so tense between Kris and her family. “They were grilling him, and he was being a dick,” an insider says. Kim had a meltdown over losing a $75,000 earring in Bora Bora and Kris called her “materialistic.” In Bora Bora, there were rose petals on the bed, and Kim wrinkled her nose and declared them “messy.” But then Kris proposed with — what else? — rose petals. And! Kim told Kris that she can’t live a “lesser lifestyle,” which is code for “middle class.” Let’s move on! A plastic surgeon who has not treated Ali Lohan says “it appears that she has had rhinoplasty and a chin implant.” Ryan Gosling — a former Mickey Mouse Club star — didn’t only take Eva Mendes to Disneyland. He also took Blake Lively there in October and Kat Dennings there in 2009. Apparently he loves the rides and the MIckey-shaped ice cream bars. He told Esquire “I went through puberty in a theme park,” so maybe he can’t even get it up unless “It’s A Small World” is playing? Or maybe he knows all the crazy secret behind-the-scenes stuff, like the dead bodies in the Haunted Mansion or how to get into Club 33 for a cocktail. Or maybe he is a furry, totally into mascot sex. Last, but not least: Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez have split up, but “they’re still very friendly and like each other.” Translation: They both suffer from acute marriagephobia.
Grade: C (hubby who snores like a freight train)

“Miserable Already.”
Behind closed doors, Kim and her new husband Kris are “fighting bitterly.” Their whole life is staged, but Kris is just now figuring that out. “He’s sick of how their lives are planned out like a scripted TV show,” a source reveals. Also, just days before the wedding, he freaked out. He doesn’t like how the relationship is for the cameras. Also, Kim told Kris she’d been planning this wedding since she was 10 years old, and he snapped: “Yeah, and you could just slot any guy into it.” Everyone in the family hates Kris, but Kim’s mom has demanded that they “cool it” because “it may damage Kim’s reputation if viewers see how much the Kardashians dislike Kris.” Kris is verbally abusive to Kim. He’ll roll his eyes when she talks. She’ll try on outfits, and he’ll say, “That looks terrible on you!” Plus, he was seen smoking a joint at the Skybar in Hollywood and no one does drugs in Kardashianland! Kris only wears his ring in photo ops, and there’s already talk of what will happen should they get divorced. In the prenup, she gets half his money, but he gets nothing of hers. And she can make cash doing photo shoots and selling the story of her breakup. So, uh, win/win? Also inside: Madonna has a “suspiciously puffy face” that may be due to injections of filler. (See Fig. 4) Ali Lohan is existing on 600 calories a day and might be purging. Rachel Weisz wants to have Daniel Craig’s baby. (Get in line?) Lady Gaga is a “homewrecker” because she stole some lady’s boyfriend, except, hello, he went willingly, right? So didn’t he wreck the damn home? Leonardo DiCaprio gave Blake Lively a $35,000 sapphire and gold bracelet for her 24th birthday. Hopefully the Blood Diamond star avoided conflict stones! Teen Mom‘s Gary got a tattoo which reads “Amber” in script. Jay-Z has a secret son, born 9 years ago to a Trinidadian model named Shenelle. DNA tests have confirmed his paternity, and Jay gave Shenelle $1 million to keep her mouth shut and sends monthly child support. “Shenelle took the money and bought herself a really nice house in Trinidad,” a source spills. Sounds kind of great. Apparently Shenelle and Jay have an “amicable” relationship and he checks in on the boy. Finally, a blind item: “Which two celeb couples may soon be embroiled in a scandal? The superclose group spent holidays and vacationed together for nearly seven years, and now rumors are swirling that one of the hubbies and his best pal’s wife are involved in a heated twosome.”
Grade: C+ (hubby who likes Mickey Mouse ice cream bars)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Star

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