This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian's Weight-Loss Secret Is Surgery
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman assists as we endure the torture of reading celebrity tabloids, checking out the new issues of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston is sad and lonely again; Angelina Jolie hates Sandra Bullock; and Kim Kardashian is seeing a plastic surgeon behind “everyone’s back.” Grit your teeth: this is going to hurt.
Ok!
NORTH WEST BABY ALBUM!
The mag has collected every existing picture of Baby North West into an album of sorts (Fig 1). Several of those pictures are public, from Instagram, and the others are of Baby North’s covered-up stroller, but oh well. BABY NORTH ALBUM. According to an inside source, Baby North is the most photographed baby in all the land and Kim changes her outfit thrice daily. Moving on: Amanda Bynes will likely be allowed to return home for the holidays. She’s currently staying at the Canyon rehab facility in Malibu; she’s allowed to go out twice a week accompanied by a staffer — although she remains under heavy medication. In other news, Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult are secretly engaged? And planning on getting low-key married in Prague?? Is getting low-key married in Prague a thing? Only time will tell. In some very boring non-news, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not back together but they own a pair of dogs. Dylan Penn, Rob’s not-serious-whatever, continues to be depicted as “chill” and “not like Kristen.”
Grade: F (eardrum damage from lullabies played at 130 decibels)
In Touch
JILTED BY HER FIANCE
Things are going badly with the Jennifer Aniston-Justin Theroux wedding, reports the magazine with barely concealed glee: “Yes, it’s happening again.” Time to trot out everyone’s favorite narrative, “Jen is sad and alone.” How do we know? Jennifer DIDN’T go to Robert Downey Jr.’s wife’s birthday party, which is, um, a sure sign of end times? Here’s some particularly insipid speculation: “Jen raised eyebrows when, amid reports of trouble in paradise, she dramatically changed her appearance by chopping off her trademark mane… a week after she pierced her ear.” Jennifer Aniston got a bob and an earring. Jennifer Aniston is desperate for attention. In other news, Selena Gomez is totally grossed out by her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber’s behavior. She changed her cell number, guys. Goodbye, sweet Joffrey of Pop. Elsewhere in the mag, a picture of Khloe Kardashian and Scott Disick holding hands in public sparks panic and horror. The editors call their pair’s “intimate body language… bizarre,” which is weird because like half of every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians revolves around family members mounting each other and screaming about their genitals. Chalk it up to different understandings of what constitutes intimacy? Moving on: the now-defunct News of the World had Kate Middleton on a list of Phones To Hack way back in 2006. Prince William is seething, but possibly because Kate didn’t even crack the Top 10 Most Hackable (she was number 14 on the list). Finally, the mag has printed a 2-page spread entitled “Hey, Ladies: STOP STARVING YOURSELVES!” (Fig. 2), which hahahahahahaha. Saying that some stars are “TOO SKINNY” doesn’t counteract years of saying that others are “NEVER GOING TO BE SEXY AGAIN.”
Grade: F (forced to go seven days without food while being taunted with burgers and milkshakes)