Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which we “read” celebrity tabloids so you don’t “have” to. This week, in addition to Rihanna news, the mags report Jessica Simpson’s every meal while calling Mischa and Lindsay scary-skinny.
OK!
“Face To Face.”
Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will finally see each other on February 21, at the night-before-the-Oscars party. The rest of this article recounts every time since January 2005 (when Jen and Brad split) that these two could have seen each other, but didn’t. A psychoanalyst who does not treat Jen says Jen should bring John [Mayer] to the showdown, because it will make her more confident. “It’s common for a woman who goes to a party by herself to feel insecure. But when a woman has a date, she feels loved, special and socially secure.” Wow, how positively modern. Next: A story called “Jessica Indulges In Love!” is about Ms. Simpson’s Valentine’s Day weekend. She went to Serendipity 3 in New York, and a spywitness says she and Tony shared a sundae the size of her head. Everyone is watching what she eats! Lastly, from an “exclusive” interview with Giuliana Rancic from E! News: Eleven years ago, she underwent surgery for scoliosis. “My doctor put two rods in my back. I have a scar from my neck all the way down my back to my behind.” This is notable because the magazine Photoshopped the scar out of the picture in which she is proudly showing it off. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (herniated disc)
Life & Style
“Leave Him.”
No one who works with Rihanna thinks she is just going to walk away from Chris Brown. She’s been talking on the phone with his mom. A psychiatrist who does not treat Rihanna says “I think relationships do sometimes recover, even from episodes of domestic abuse.” Ugh! The magazine prints this sentence: “Rihanna may need friends and family to back off.” Says a Rihanna insider: “The thing that’s hurting her worst of all right now is the pressure she’s getting from her management and family to write Chris off. You’ve got to remember after she left the hospital, she met up with him at the hotel. She’s not ready to leave him.” Oy. Moving on: Britney is tired of keeping her feelings to herself, so she’s turning her “private diaries” into a book. She’s been filling notebooks with poems, thoughts, feelings, song lyrics and letters that she never sent. She started when her marriage to K-Fed was ending. An insider says, “These notebooks read like a story, and Britney still has all of them.” Another “Jen is gonna meet Angie” story! This one has a sidebar suggesting that Brad and Angie “dissed” Jen on her birthday; apparently she invited Brad and Angie to her 40th birthday but they were traveling at the time. Next: An interview with Jennifer Gimenez from Sober House talks about how she was using an eight ball of coke a day at the height of her addiction, and it was fueled by people telling her she was too fat when she was a model. Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey’s Casebook, it’s “Which Stars Have The Most Requested Features?” Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage, Kate Moss’s cheeks and Angelina Jolie’s eyes are popular. Dr. Rey suggests thousands of dollars in surgery to get these looks!
Grade: D- (pinched nerve)
In Touch
“Get Out.”
Inside the magazine, this story is titled “Get Out Of My House,” and it’s about how Angelina is “livid” that Brad wants his parents to come and help with the kids while Angie is filming her movie in New York. At no point in the story does Angelina say “get out” or does anyone claim that she wants Brad to leave. False advertising! Anyway, Brad’s mom and dad will live with them in the Hamptons for a while, since, according to a source, “Brad and Angelina don’t even know how to turn on an oven.” The mag prints the headline: “Uh-oh, Jen’s Moving To New York Too!” because the city is not big enough for two women and one Brad Pitt. Next: John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to the Bahamas and on Valentine’s day, they did not leave their villa at all. Sexy sexy sex! Mischa Barton is “skin and bones.” Her face is “gaunt” with sunken cheeks (Fig. 2). Is it because magazines and bloggers mocked her cellulite (Fig. 3)? Moving on: The “Jake Is Ready To Propose” item says that Mr. Gyllenhaal spent four hours looking at jewelry for Reese Witherspoon. (Us claims he bought earrings.) You know how Usher’s wife was in Brazil for liposuction? Usher didn’t know about her surgery. “No one knows if she wanted to surprise him with her new figure, or whether she knew she’d be upset about leaving their sons to have a procedure done,” a source spills. Also: Rihanna is “picking up the pieces” because Chris was not just her boyfriend but her best friend. “She hates Chris, but still loves him at the same time,” an insider says. They have spoken a few times since the incident and relayed messages back and forth through a friend. Meanwhile, there’s another story about weight: “Stars Feel Pressure To Be Skinny.” (Fig 4.) Oh, and “Kellie Pickler Looks So Different.” (Fig. 5) Botox at 22? Lastly: The best thing about the Madonna/Jesus Luz story is the box letting you know where Jesus was at different points in Madonna’s career. For instance: When she was in A League Of Their Own, he was five (Fig. 6).
Grade: D (sciatica)
Us
“Octo Mom’s Dark Secrets.”
In a paid interview from the UK, Nadya Suleman says she hasn’t had sex in eight years and when she was growing up, her parents had separate bedrooms and “stayed in the marriage” for her. The mag talks to a neighbor who says, “I asked her once if she was a virgin and she said she’s not.” Sorry? You asked your neighbor what? According to legal documents, Suleman had a boob job when she was 18. The story goes on for 8 pages, and includes stuff you don’t want to know, like maybe Suleman was depressed after her back injury and didn’t want to have sex with her husband, which led to their divorce. But by talking to The Sun and The Daily Mail, she made about $227,000. Which is what, three weeks of diapers and food for 14 kids? The president of TLC confirms that the channel has been in touch with Suleman, but says, “We are still watching this story evolve.” In other words, if she’s actually cuckoo for cocoa puffs and everyone hates her, we won’t give her a show! Next: Angela Kinsey, who plays Angela on The Office and had a baby in May, has separated from her husband of eight years. She won’t be able to avoid the family, because his brother, Paul Lieberstein, also stars on The Office. Lastly: “How Rihanna’s Coping” claims that Rihanna has been telling everyone she is sorry, even though it’s not her fault. A source says that Chris and Rihanna had broken up a week before the incident. During the relationship, Chris used to make little insults when Rihanna’s hair wasn’t done, and make fun of her accent. He tried to make her jealous by laughing in her presence over inside jokes with Jordan Sparks. Chris choreographed a dirty dance with Ciara for the BET awards in 2008, and afterward, Rihanna was all, “What the hell was that?” Chris said: “You can be replaced.”
Grade: D+ (neck crick)
Star
“I Still Love Him!”
A friend says Rihanna knows there is another side to Chris Brown, a “kinder, gentler” side, and right now, she loves and misses that man. An insider says she’s already forgiven Chris for the “misunderstanding,” as she puts it, and has reached out to Chris with numerous texts and phone calls. But! The mag obtained text messages from a woman named Tiffany — sent by Chris Brown the night before Chris and Rihanna performed at Madison Square Garden in December. Tiffany walked past Chris and his posse on the street, and Chris sent a posse member over. Phone numbers were exchanged. Chris called and said, “I’m at the London Hotel, do you want to hang out?” Tiffany got nervous. She texted him: Can I bring my sister? Chris wrote back, “Yeah, is she single?” Tiffany let Chris know that she had a boyfriend but that her sister was indeed single, and Chris wrote: “When u come here, all that doesn’t matter.” Star traced the phone number and it is registered to Chris Brown’s production company! Next: Rachel Zoe is very thin (Fig.7). Rachel McAdams is practically living in Josh Lucas’s NYC apartment. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are engaged. Jessica Simpson asked her Dukes Of Hazzard trainer to help her monitor her diet, but she’s having trouble sticking to the 1250 calorie a day regimen (um, because that’s not enough to live on?). The magazine writes: “Jessica’s most recent violation was indulging in the terrible trio of chicken wings, nachos and booze.” An insider says: “She can’t resist junk food. She literally needs to be watched 24/7.” Or left alone!?!?! Blind item: “Which aging action hero borrows from his wife’s underwear drawer? His newly slim frame is all thanks to Spanx! He wears the ladies’ hose under his designer suits.” Awesome story of the week: “Ellen and Portia: It’s Baby Time!” The mag actually prints this sentence: “First came love, then came marriage. Now Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are ready for the baby carriage.” Apparently Ellen has given Portia the greenlight to get IVF. Ellen’s brother Vance may donate sperm! “They’d love to have a boy,” says an insider. Moving on: Britney will be making money again when she goes on her Circus tour, which is good news to the more 100 people (!!!) on her payroll. She spends the bulk of her earnings on her staff, treating them to manicures, massages and clothes. But! A spy sez: “Sometimes Brit wonders why she has to pay her dad. Because there are days when all he does is watch sports and make pie.” Her dad gets $200,000 a year for being the conservator of her estate; her mom gets $180,000 for being her mom. Next there’s yet another story about Mischa Barton being “Skin And Bones.” Apparently Mischa told someone she wants her bones to stick out. She barely eats and she’s taking diet pills, claims a “friend.” Nicole Richie and Rachel Zoe are friends again, which freaks out Joel Madden, who blames Rachel for Nic’s drastic dieting. Lastly: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift were making fun of people backstage at the Grammys. A source says they “seem sweet, but can act like snotty little brats.” Miley’s mom and dad bicker nonstop at home; and Miley’s boyfriend/aspiring singer Justin Gaston, who lives with them, walks around in his underwear, which upsets Billy Ray. A spy says: “Justin recently devoured an entire apple pie that Billy Ray was looking forward to eating when he got home!”
Grade: C (sore shoulders)
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
