This Week In Tabloids: Taylor and Calvin Will Soon Welcome a Baby to the Stage

By Bobby Finger | September 23, 2015 | 6:52pm

Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we head to the magazine shop down the street, see a stack of brand new tabloids, get on our knees and pray to all the gods and goddesses for printing them on time this week. Today, Taylor Swift and Adam “Calvin Harris” Wiles are about to get married and have a baby, Kylie Jenner has been “destroyed by fame,” Tom and Katie are going to court, and Meg Ryan is broke as a joke.

And now, here’s the news.

OK!

I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, but Taylor Swift and Adam “Calvin Harris” Wiles are more in love than two people ever have been, and they’re getting ready to express that love by A. getting married, and B. having a baby together. They will be having a baby boy, because that’s what “Calvin Harris” is hoping for, and Taylor always gives “Calvin Harris” what he wants. Sources say she’s “sure he’s The One” and that she will be taking his last name. I say I’m sure Taylor Swift will not change her name to Taylor Wiles because she’s nothing if not a savvy manager of her personal brand. In sadder news, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s relationship is hanging by a thread, and that thread is in the shape of their baby, Esmerelda. She’s literally the only thing that’s been holding their nightmare of a relationship together, but sources say she’s got one foot out the door. Apparently Eva has “secretly consulted lawyers about an effort to obtain full custody.” She and Ryan are still living together, “but she’s trying to organize her future as a single mother.” To be perfectly honest with you, I forget Eva and Ryan exist on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that they have a baby together. I mean, good luck with all that! Whatever.

And Also:

Kim Richards has “hit rock bottom.” I hope it’s finally the truth this time, because this is getting to be one of the more depressing stories?
Heidi Klum knocked back champagne in first class on a recent flight while her kids went wild in business class.
Mason Disick isn’t being educated because he needs to be on teevee.
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp do nothing but fight..
Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth do nothing but argue about Ava’s acting pursuits.
Christy Turlington and Ed Burns do nothing but avoid each other.

Grade: D+ (You get invited to Taylor Swift’s baby shower and can’t think of a good enough excuse to decline.)

In Touch

As you can see from the cover of In Touch, Kylie Jenner’s life has been destroyed by fame. Inside, we learn how it’s been destroyed by fame, and it ain’t pretty. Her “world is much stranger and darker than the other Kardashians,” and she has found herself “caught up in a world of sex, drugs, and violence.” A Miami rapper named Stitches is the biggest problem in her life, as he claims he has “proof that he had sex with her.” Stitches tells In Touch, “I had sex with her. We did it all. [We did] some drugs. She called me daddy. She didn’t bring up Tyga, not one time.” He’s apparently trying to blackmail her. Can someone let Kris and Caitlyn know about this? Actually, no. Get Khloe and Kourtney on the horn and send them to this guy’s house. Speaking of annoying men, Ojani Noa, Jennifer Lopez’s first husband, is getting ready to release a whole bunch of private (and potentially sexy!) home videos of the star “after a recent stalemate in court proceedings.” Since 2009, Lopez has apparently “shelled out more than $4 million in legal fees to stop the release of the tapes.” There’s apparently no “explicit sex” in the tapes, but there is ass-grabbing, profanity, and…scenes in which “she calls her mom names.”

And Also:

Brandi Glanville has no idea whether or not she was fired from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
In Touch’s “Winner of the Week” is Ahmed Mohamed.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will have a third child via a surrogate.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted a child from Syria.
If Kerry Washington weren’t an actor, she’d be a “clinical psychologist.”
It’s the first day of fall, but every single celebrity is still paddleboarding.
Wear mustard yellow or I will grind you up like you’re made of mustard seeds.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: C+ (You never meet a rapper named Stitches.)

Life & Style

I’m going to make this one quick, because there’s an important item you all need to get to after this paragraph. So, let’s run through this at warp speed, because most of it’s boring anyway. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are still “at war” over Suri, and the next battlefield will be in the courtroom. A stipulation of their divorce was that Katie could “modify her child support order if three years have passed,” and guess what! Three years have passed. Meanwhile, no one’s including Chris Klein in any of these conversations. Uhhh, quickly quickly, Kris doesn’t want Caitlyn ANYWHERE NEAR her boyfriend Corey Gamble. She apparently thinks “Caitlyn might try to steal Corey away from her.” I’ve had more than enough of that item, so moving on…Jessica Simpson doesn’t want more children, but her husband Eric Johnson does. This is causing problems.

And now we’ve arrived at this wonderful item, which I’ve scanned so that you may all enjoy it fully:

And Also:

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are “one of the most giving couples in Hollywood.” But who are the most receiving?
Life & Style has just discovered that Britney Spears’s boyfriends are “chosen for her.”
Kaitlyn and Shawn may not get married after all.
Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are moving in together, I guess.
Courtney Cox and Johnny McDaid are getting married, I guess.
Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato are both going to rehab. Together? Separately? That part is unclear.
Wear
Fringe
Or
Die

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You didn’t wear fringe.)

Star

Meg Ryan may, in fact, have mail, but it’s mostly just third and fourth notices from credit card companies. And not only has she spent just about all of her “$45 million fortune,” she was recently dumped by her long-time boyfriend, John Mellencamp. Ryan can no longer afford her “4,000-square-foot loft” in SoHo, and is raising her 10-year-old daughter, Daisy, all alone. A source says she’s “completely focused on her kids now.” Meanwhile, I’m completely focused on this rumor that Emma Stone is responsible for Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s relationship troubles. (Hey! I remembered them!) A source says “it doesn’t matter how many times Ryan tells Eva that he and Emma are just friends, she knows there’s an attraction there.” The whole thing has been messing with Eva’s head. She “stops by the set and constantly calls Ryan to see what he’s up to. If she gets his voicemail, she’ll text and text until he gets back to her.” This is a little sad, but mostly it makes me want to rewatch Hitch. What a great film.

Oh:

There’s an interview with Anne Hathaway in this issue. In it, she’s asked about working with Robert De Niro, and says this:

“I could not talk around him for three weeks! I just felt like an idiot with everything I said. But we did some extreme bonding at the mall.”

At the mall! At the mall. But which mall? And why were you two at the mall? We’ll never know.

And Also:

Zac Efron paid a stripper to give Selena Gomez a lap dance.
Jared Leto has a lot of “sexual explicit” photos on his phone.
Britney Spears’s new boyfriend Harry Morton is a “complete cad.”
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are “desperate” to have a baby.
Sienna Miller has been flirting with Rob Pattinson, WHO’S ENGAGED TO FKA TWIGS.
Julia Roberts and Danny Moder aren’t divorced, they’re just going through a “trial separation.”
Kris Jenner is auditioning men to be Kourtney Kardashian’s new boyfriend.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (You accidentally show up at the Kourtney Kardashian Boyfriend casting call.)

Appendix:

Fig 1. In Touch

Fig 2. In Touch

Fig 3. Star

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