Men are like a fine artisanal premium cheese. They need to be aged exactly 52 months more than you to taste right. I don’t know about you, but when I find myself talking to an older man, especially a man who is exactly four years and four months older than me, something clicks. I can’t explain it, but it just feels like the universe’s chakra has aligned itself correctly for the first time, that everyone on earth is holding hands in a circle and sharing a Coca Cola, that the clouds are parting gently so a ray of life-affirming light can burst through and radiate all over me. I see my future, and it is one of comfort, reassurance, deep passion and well-planned investments. And I can only think: Every woman should have this.
Which is why it should not surprise you that a study interviewing 2,000 weirdly specific humans found the exact same thing: that the ideal age gap between men and women is exactly 52 months, provided the man is older, because, duh.
Even though half those interviewed were desperately ignorant people who said there is no such thing as an ideal age difference between people who want to be together, other women were brave enough to put themselves out there and say that they’d even date a man all the way up to a radical seven years older than them.
Only one out of 100 sad, pathetic excuses for a woman said they’d date a guy — get this — younger than them. Of course, dating a man too much older when the woman was significantly younger was an obvious sign of her money-grubbing whorishness, but never reflected poorly on the brilliant, powerfully erotic wisdom of the older man.
What is it about a man exactly four years and four months older that makes every woman quiver with measurable approval? Only just about everything, proving why it’s the ideal age gap for couples at any age.
He Has More Money
No matter what you did or are willing to do, you can’t compete with his earning potential, so hitch your wagon to that star if you have any plans to live in house-like structures.
He Offers a “Different Perspective”
You were about to say Green Day was your favorite punk band. But back in his day, 52 months older guy was listening to a little something called The Clash.
He Has More Experience
Whatever you’re doing, he did that already. Whatever you know, he knows. It’s called life experience, and a man should have more of it, because if it’s the other way around, things don’t make sense anymore. Don’t get mad, it’s just science.
He Needs Your Youth
The 52 months of fewer wrinkles you’ve dodged so far means you’ve got vivacious energy to “rub off” on him in exchange for his robust experiences as a man in the world. So while he’s helping you interpret the evening news with the proper insight and derision, he’s getting the benefit of a bubbly, lively, fresh, eager, spritely, fast- moving woman, who, it hardly needs to be said, is always a breath of fresh air.
He Can Teach You Life Skills
If you’re an infant woman who needs to be taught some critical pre-K milestones, a man who is already 4 and a half years old can teach you 30 different sound effects for farts or how to work a Transformer.
If you’re a freshman woman in high school going through puberty, think about the world your 52 months older guy is going to open up for you: Like how to apply for your first high-interest credit card in exchange for a free T-shirt, how to make a bong out of an apple, how to live off a spoonful of peanut butter twice a week, and what Bob Marley songs are good.
He’ll Take You On Fancy Dates
By the time you hit college and are scraping together the change to get your first frozen burrito, a man exactly four years and four months older than you already has a real job. Get ready to nosh on a little grown-up delight called Chipotle.
He’s Got More Cultural Knowledge
A good man is hard to find, but a man who knows exactly what he wants in an action movie in the way only someone who’s seen four and a third more summers of blockbusters can, is a rare species, indeed.
He’s Great in the Sack
It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or at your sexual peak, only a man who is 52 months older than you can touch you like someone who has experienced an extra presidential term.
He Knows What He Wants
How can he not? He’s been looking at women for four years and four months longer than all the competition.
You’ll Be Set For Life
His extra 52 months investing in that 401k has generated more compound interest than your vagina could your entire life. Together, you’ll live out your retirement traveling the world with his sophisticated knowledge and sure-handed investment practices. Where would you have been all these years without him?