Until last night, I had never watched an entire episode of Two and a Half Men. Its absence in my life wasn’t an accident, but a carefully planned situation. I had purposefully changed the channel every time it had come on, a move I’ve only made for one other show (Everybody Loves Raymond). Just those brief glances were enough to make it clear that this program was not for me; thankfully, even putting together this supercut didn’t require viewing anything close to a whole episode.
Here is what I learned from the one, final episode I viewed.
Charlie Sheen died four years ago and is no longer on the show. When that happened, Ashton Kutcher entered the picture by showing up at Duckie from Pretty in Pink‘s house, causing Duckie to scream and drop an urn of Charlie Sheen’s ashes. The ashes went everywhere.
Very fine actress Melanie Lynskey has somehow found herself on this program, as a woman who reveals that Charlie Sheen did not die in some weird explosion??? Instead, she keeps him in pit in her basement. A nice pit. Food and sex are involved.
Charlie was a music publisher who made children’s records and in four years those records have amassed him $2.5 million in royalties.
Jokes about butt plugs, herpes and other STDs have all been made. Ashton Kutcher also says, “I can’t wait for this to be over.” Oh we get it Ashton. Cute.
Holland Taylor is a goddess and the paycheck from this show must be good.
Everyone just believes Melanie’s character that Charlie died, because it happened when they were together in France and she brought back an urn of his ashes. (“What do you want me to do, test them for herpes?”) But there’s no records of his death, which Duckie needs in order to basically steal this $2.5 million from his mother and Charlie’s daughter.
Something about a numbered account in the Cayman Islands. Uh oh, is Charlie alive?
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