The first time it happened, I watching a film called The Sandlot, which is an early 90’s boys-in-sports film about a ragtag group of misfits playing baseball in the early 1960’s while a voiceover dripping with nostalgia nudged the plot along (think The Wonder Years, but without Winnie Cooper and with a graphic chewing tobacco vomit scene). Then suddenly, I saw him. Gracing the screen was just about the best looking human I’d ever seen. My fifth grade loins grew tingly and my face flushed. Dark haired, loved baseball, and was nice to the other kids? I was smitten. I had a full-blown crush on Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.
I had similar moments of sudden swelling violin type crushes on other screen characters, sure, but none quite moved me like Benny. Yul Brynner as Rameses in The Ten Commandments did a number on me for reasons I’m sure a therapist would be interested in discussing, as did Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music and Devon Sawa in both Casper and Little Giants. My childhood self was totally movie boy crazy.
No one forgets the first person upon which they hopelessly crushed onscreen. But did you know that your first movie crush is a window into the deepest reaches of your psyche, just about as reliable as astrology or tea leaf reading? Let us analyze your first on screen crush. They’ve been divided into categories, for your convenience.
Stars from Team Sports Movies (Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, Devon Sawa in Little Giants, Adam Banks from The Mighty Ducks, Thomas Ian Nicholas in Rookie of the Year) You’ve dated many douchebags, but don’t worry. If one of them finds a piece of clothing that another left at your place, he’ll think its his. Pastel colored polo shirt, right? Size large? Yeah, that’s his.
Bad boys/Rebels/Outsiders (Rufio, Rider Strong, Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life, Tom Cruise in Legend, Anyone from The Outsiders) You’re still pretty mad at your dad.
Smart asses (Kevin McAllister from Home Alone, Mike Seaver, JTT on Home Improvement, most boys from Snick) You love to get drunk and call people and leave them voicemails telling them off.
Androgynous (Jodi Foster in Bad News Bears, Atreyu from The Never Ending Story, David Bowie in Labyrinth)
You and your current boyfriend can wear each other’s pants, and do so with relish.
Dead (Brad Renfro, Heath Ledger, River Phoenix, Jonathan Brandeis) Your lust is so red hot that it’s deadly. Best live a life of solitude and internet, lest you off another promising teen actor, Rogue from X-Men style.
Grown men in old movies (Dick Van Dyke, Yul Brynner, Christopher Plummer) You like to get yelled at during sex.
Of or related to Dirty Dancing (Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey) You were a latchkey kid with parents who didn’t properly secure the grown up movies.
From outer space or under the sea (Daryl Hannah from Splash, anyone from any of the Star Wars, Captain Nemo) You want to love someone who lives so far away that they’re untouchable to you. Clearly, early manifestation of commitment issues.
Heroes (Wonder Woman, Chris O’Donnell from Batman Forever) The impossible standards to which you hold your lovers will lead to a lifetime of disappointment, unless you had a crush on Robin, because Robin sucks. In that case, you’re on the road toward leading a life of surprise and delight.
Uncle Jesse You grew up thinking Elvis was a sympathetic character. By extension, you also have a soft spot for disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.
Nerds (Data from Star Trek, Kevin Arnold or Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years) Your fear of abandonment is so paralyzing that you date below your station because you think that nerds won’t cheat on you or leave you.
Cartoons (Dmitri from Anastasia, Shang from Mulan)
You write a lot of fanfiction.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
