Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like Matt Lauer’s nefarious new relationship with an “ultra-luxury” publicist, or Us Weekly’s insistence on starting the new year with a feature concerning famous women’s weight. Eventually, I’ll be able to pay for my groceries in peace, without American Media plastering “DIETS THAT WORK!” over pictures of Julianne Hough, but today is not that day. Instead, let’s bow our heads together and hope that cashier rings my rotisserie chicken up as swiftly as possible.
Hot Gossip:
Remember when Whoopi told Meghan McCain to shut the fuck up? Ok! reports that the aftermath of their on-air tussles sent a shockwave through the cast of ABC’s The View, which found itself mired in scrutiny this last season for a plethora of televised ridiculousness, much of it documented by Jezebel hero Lisa Fischer. (She might never recover from the experience, though.) Sources tell the tabloid that the root of Whoopi’s supposed problem with Meghan has nothing to do with her frequent Islamophobia, abhorrent conservative values, virulent narcissism, or commitment to endlessly wailing atop her dead father’s corpse. Instead, a tipster claims: “[Whoopi] thinks Meghan rode on her father’s coattails and got lucky landing this seat on the show. Thats why Whoopi gets so mad when Meghan stars spreading her conservative views. She thinks Meghan doesn’t have a clue what the real world is like.”
I seriously doubt that ABC would ever willingly oust the beer heiress from The View, considering the high ratings (and press attention) she pulls to the show. Still, nefarious gossips inside the production staff supposedly believe that “viewers respond to [Whoopi] more than they do Meghan. So if one of them has to go, it’ll probably be Meghan.” Clasp your hands and pray, people!
Meanwhile, Ok! is very concerned for Cameron Diaz, and I am very concerned for Ok! That lady is doing fine—she’s rich, her movies still get played on television with some regularity, and she gets to tell people she once starred in the ever-iconic Charlie’s Angels. What is there to worry about? Sources claim that her “whirlwind” romance Benji Madden is to blame for her five-year absence from Hollywood. In 2015, there was plenty of gossip about their “rocky marriage,” hinged mostly on his alleged predilection for partying with brother Joel Madden. Things are fine now—“allegedly”—but tipsters claim it was only possible if she put her career on hold to “focus on their future together.” Alternatively, she might simply be exhausted from all that Good Charlotte she has to listen to. I’d need a break also!
I’d also like to focus for a moment on North West’s new Birkin bag, which she was photographed with in Los Angeles over the Christmas break. It was probably Kim’s, and North was only holding it, but the photos got me thinking: What would you put in your Birkin bag as a six-year-old? I would have definitely stuck in a Game Boy, some colored pencils, and a bunch of those gum packs with the rainbow zebra on them. Maybe even a Smucker’s Uncrustables, or a fruit roll-up! (Do you think she also took it on their private plane, though?) And while it’s certainly fun to imagine the contents of North’s Birkin, I implore the weirdos obsessing over her on the internet to leave that kid alone and focus your attention on the adults in the equation. She’s got nothing to do with anyone’s problems with Kim or Kanye, and again—she’s fucking six years old.
Us Weekly also has the exclusive on a whole lot of b-list celebrities’ New Year’s Resolutions! Because they are mildly famous, and occasionally on television, it’s important to know how they’ll be integrating keto diets and Peloton bikes into their 2020 moodboards.
- Adam Devine: “Mine is always the same. To have a jawline like Brad Pitt.”
- Hannah Brown: “The greatest things in my life have been unplanned. [I] have a good feeling about 2020.” (This isn’t really a resolution, Hannah.)
- Megan Fox: “I hope to genuinely appreciate and love me for who I am, and not worry about being who I’m supposed to be for other people.”
- Ellie Kemper: “I don’t want to eat so much sugar before bed. I’m old now, and my body can’t process it in the same way. I wake up in sweats!”
- Carson Kressley: “I’ve been taking tennis lessons, and I’m going to continue doing it. I used to be terrible, and now I’m just really mediocre, so it’s working!”
Good for these people, who will definitely stick to these resolutions and definitely respond to the same Us Weekly! email blast next year!
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Life & Style reports that little sister Jamie Lynn is begging Britney Spears to stay off Instagram in 2020. As I previously reported, her Instagram has become a hot spot for trolls and inquiring minds after a series of “bizarre” posts made her the focal point of the #FreeBritney “movement.” Coincidentally, the progenitors of the claims against Britney are now being sued by her conservatorship for defamation.
Sources tell the tabloid that the root of Jamie Lynn’s concern for Britney stems from the incredibly sheltered lifestyle the pop star inhabits. “Britney truly lives in a bubble. She doesn’t have people giving her feedback on how she looks, so when she reads these comments, in like a slap in the face.” Jamie Lynn’s solution? A social media “detox.” (Except for videos involving yoga, it seems.) And while the world waits to see if Jamie Lynn’s pleadings will bear fruit, I’m infinitely more nervous about the upcoming battle over her future, seeing as father Jamie is expected to return to his duties after “temporarily” stepping down from his role as her long-time conservator. Us Weekly reported, just before the new year, that her custody arrangement and conservatorship will be top priority for Spears’s legal team in the coming months.
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