14 Bizarre & Bewildering Thingamabobs For Your Boobs

The world is full of delightful things, among them the strange gizmos created for breasts. Odd bras, peculiar pasties, ghastly gadgets. Here, we’ve gathered 14 of the weirdest.

Bosom Max is a whole system. First, there’s the brassiere, which has “electrostatic vibrations” to “stimulate breast tissues, help increase the circulation of blood & lymphatic fluid, and increase muscle mass to lift and enlarge your breasts!” Then there are the Bosom Max capsules and the Bosom Max cream. Oh, and Firm Max cream, “for your breasts and gluts!” [sic]

Bosom Max also has a fairly entertaining Spanish language TV commercial. The way dude utters “wow” says it all. Orgulloso!

The Beau Bust Roller also uses electronic stimulation to (allegedly) increase size and firmness. But with added fun: Rolling and kneading the breast tissue with metal tubes. This thing will cost you a whopping $106.

This Chinese product is a cross between a corset and a clamp. Lace that sucker up and go from an A cup to a C cup! It also seems to be part Spanx, for maximum uncomfortability.

The Electronic Bra would be perfect for Madonna, two thousand years from now! Katy Perry and Lady Gaga will want one too. It’s great to dance in!

La Decollette was invented by Rachel de Boer, who used to sleep with stuffed socks sewn between the cups of an old bra to prevent cleavage wrinkles. Then she invented something better. de Boer explains that when you sleep, and your breasts are pushed together, you can get vertical wrinkles. But: “Le Decollette works because the breast are separated through the night.” The more you know!

Ooh, look! Another product to prevent chest wrinkles. The website for Intimia Breast Pillow includes a testimonial from Sarah Ferguson, but she doesn’t appear to be THAT Sarah Ferguson.

The Bacon Bra is self-explanatory, but not Kosher.

Perk-Ups, made by Faveo, are designed to ” lift, shape and hold you without straps.” They also look like dog muzzles.

The copy on the box of Candy Nipple Tassels reads, “tasty and titillating.” See what they did there?

Nu Bra is a silicone adhesive thingy for strapless looks or creating cleavage. Although, when the lady in the video creates cleavage, the cups get weird and wrinkly like raw chicken. Barf.

If you’ve always wanted to combine childish cuteness with grown-up allure, why not invest in some Hello Kitty Nipple Tassels?

Literary-minded ladies might like these Library-themed pasties.

Steampunk fans! Enjoy this metal bra with gears, but please don’t sunbathe in it. Chances are, you will be singed. (here’s another beautiful metal option, perfect for your Princess Leia/Queen Of The Damned fantasies.)

Last, but not least: You’ll never have to yell, “My eyes are up here!” if you wear these pasties, featuring “white satin eyeballs with sequin & PVC iris & hand-embroidered blood vessels.”