Amanda Bynes, the former child star who’s been spending her retirement locked in restrooms and fitting rooms of business establishments from coast to coast when she isn’t busy playing bumper cars in L.A. with her Beamer, hasn’t had any trouble getting press since she began to publicly unravel a year ago—all of it negative. So, it’s super extra weird that she agreed to actually participate in an “exclusive” tabloid story this week: “Amanda Bynes: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.” As far as attempts at damage control go, this was on par with trying to put toothpaste back in the tube—it created such a bigger mess.
Like all things Bynesian, the Us Weekly story reeks of weed. Her “25 things” sound like the talking points of stoner conversation:
24. I love eggplant Parmesan.
25. I love going to the Bahamas.
But I mean, it all starts out innocently enough, with some factoids that people might find interesting:
1. My first concert was the Spice Girls. I always wanted to be Posh.
2. I’ve always loved drawing and my dream is to start a fashion line.
3. I went on Accutane and it really helped my skin clear up.
But then it starts to get weird:
5. Rag and Bone makes the best jeans.
21. Alexander Wang makes the best T-shirts.
Like, those things aren’t about Amanda Bynes. Those are about clothes. She doesn’t even qualify those statements as personal opinion with “I love” or “…are my favorite” as she does in other places:
12. I would love to start recording an album.
20. Macaroons are my favorite cookie.
And while these:
16. I survived Hurricane Sandy.
17. I bought a Rolex. It’s my most prized possession.
…are a kind of great one-two punch encapsulating the kind of delusion, bravado, and wealth that helps make a person “eccentric” instead of just straight-up cray cray. (Like, doye, you survived Hurricane Sandy. If you didn’t you’d be dead and not filling out this tabloid’s questionnaire.) But it’s these two in which you can see the neuroses shining through the murky bong waters:
11. I gain weight quickly so I need to work out constantly.
15. I moved to New York City and I love it! I lost 4 lbs. since I moved. I’m 121 lbs — my goal is 100 lbs.
How did the editors at Us not scrap the entire “25 things” thing and focus on number 15? Doesn’t that warrant a follow up question? Or something? As silly and Mean Girls-y the 4 lbs. thing is, a goal weight of 100 lbs. — when you’re as tall as Amanda, who’s 5’8″ — is a little…troublesome. You don’t just casually drop that sort of info.
Exclusive: Amanda Bynes: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me [Us]