Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Will Not Tolerate Being Laughed At

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are skipping the Oscars this year because Anne Hathaway’s hosting. Like a humorless Wu Tang Clan for the next generation, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

The couple is sore over Anne’s SNL impression of Katie, wherein Anne depicted Katie as a nervous, breathy, overgrown insecure teenager. If Tom and Katie are this thin-skinned about one relatively good-natured ribbing incident, I sure hope no one tells them about the internet, which is basically made of cats, oversharing, porn, and jokes about Tom Cruise. [Showbiz Spy]
Mel B and Victoria Beckham are beefing over the fact that Posh won’t give Mel clothes from Posh’s line. Victoria should have seen this coming, for as the Spice Girls have said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, but if you wanna be my friend, you gotta give me all the dresses I ask for.” [Digital Spy]
Glee is not going to be doing a special Justin Bieber episode, which is disappointing, as I would have been interested in seeing if the show could break the land speed record for sucking. A Bieber themed episode may have even broken the suck sound barrier. I guess Glee’s team of suck-scientists must have gotten scared. [Perez]
In other news about the show that I bitterly still watch in hopes it will magically become good, Lady Gaga’s new single is going to be performed by the heavily autotuned Glee cast. [MTV]
Oh my god, it never ends. Gwyneth Paltrow is going to return to Glee as a love interest of Mr. Shue, the most prominent teacher of questionable sexual morals since Mary Kay Letourneau. [HuffPo]
The Game has been ordered to pay $50,000 because of a fight that erupted at a family funeral. Some intrepid research revealed to me that the letters to “funeral fight” rearranged spell “I flung father,” which doesn’t shed any light on why Game was involved in a postmortem smackdown, but it does provide about two seconds of amusement. [Digital Spy]
Brooke Shields won’t allow her children to act. This is kind of like how when I was a kid, my mom wouldn’t let me watch Saved By The Bell or movies rated higher than PG because she was afraid that it would teach me how to be sassy. And, thanks to her efforts, I never sassed anyone, ever, in my entire life. Good luck with that, Brooke. [Digital Spy]
Due to historical inaccuracy, The History Channel has refused to air The Kennedys. I’m calling bullshit on this one. Who says The Kennedy’s didn’t build a time machine and go back to the Middle Ages and teach a young group of ragtag misfits about rock’n’roll? And why’s everyone freaking out over that scene where Joe Kennedy and Rameses II are on a race against time to erect an obelisk at Karnak before Aten unleashes his wrath? Prove it didn’t happen, History Channel. [Daily Mail]
Elton John and his partner have chosen a lesbian couple to serve as godparents for their new son, which is all well and good, except for the fact that how are two godmoms going to possibly raise a well adjusted godchild? Who is going to play godcatch with the boy? Who is going to teach him about the godbirds and the godbees? Who is going to show him how to godshave? [Daily Mail]
Emma Watson has so much money that she doesn’t even know what to do with it. My suggestion, Emma: take up origami. [Showbiz Spy]
Seth Rogen was amazed by the “insane” budget in The Green Hornet. [Contact Music]
Lindsay Lohan is getting a new roommate that she met in rehab and allowing her roommate to stay with her rent-free. World Good Decision Champion 2011.[TMZ]
Omarion announced to his fans that he is bisexual. I would like to announce to Omarion’s fans that his first name sounds like an adjective, as in “I was no match for him in the boxing match; his lightning-fast reflexes landed blow after omarion blow.” or “After I spent the evening taking dozens of shots of whiskey, I spent the next day throwing up positively omarion amount of vomit.” [Bossip]
Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are the proud new parents of a baby boy, soon to be ashamed new parents when the baby boy learns how to throw temper tantrums in the middle of the grocery store and like walk around preschool with both of his hands down his pants. [Daily Express]
When I read the headline “Garfield Overwhelmed By Spider-Man Suit,” I originally pictured a fat lasagna eating cartoon cat struggling to don a spandex suit designed for a lithe but strong young man. But then I realized that the headlined referred to Andrew Garfield, not Garfield the cat. [Digital Spy]
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy might rekindle their romance, which is worrisome, as Jim Carrey’s irrational fear of inoculation has prevented him from receiving his proper vaccinations and is thus at high risk of catching cooties from Jenny McCarthy.[Showbiz Spy]
Carey Mulligan is reportedly taking a pill in order to regrow her hair, because in the magical land of the mind of whoever wrote this article, cutting your hair makes it grow more slowly. If only Carey had magic beans! They would solve all of our problems! [Daily Mail]
Coldplay’s new album is about addiction and obsessive compulsive disorder, and also kind of implicitly about being a watered down Hallmark ripoff of Radiohead, like all Coldplay albums. [MTV]
Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron were spotted making out at a club, despite the fact that they’ve broken up. Let’s all collectively clutch our pearls like so, as I’m sure no one has ever made out with an ex, ever. [Us]
Angelina from Jersey Shore is trying to be a professional wrestler. Professional wrestling is to 2011 what accidentally releasing a sex tape was to 2001. [TMZ]
Penelope Cruz laughed constantly during the filming of the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film. Filming a pirate-themed movie is all fun and games until someone contracts a serious case of tropical laughing disease. [Digital Spy]
Elijah Wood has been signed to appear in The Hobbit. I hope they find a way to pay homage to the forgotten cinematic achievement of Flipper, the Citizen Kane of the 1990’s. [MTV]
Matt Damon wants to film his own Bourne movie. Title suggestions: The Bourne Tomfoolery or The Bourne Shenanigans.[Digital Spy]

Image via AP

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