Hey, ladies. Do you have troubles with your man? When you’re out on a date, do you catch him peeking at other women? Does he have a bad case of what the poets call “Wandering Penis Syndrome”? Can he simply not keep it in his pants despite your very, very serious and earnest monogamous commitment? Well, first of all, it sounds like you have a really healthy relationship there that is totally worth saving at all cost. And secondly, don’t even worry about it! Science has figured out how to keep your man faithful, and all it takes are four simple words: “BREATHE INTO THIS RAG.”
A new study has uncovered some surprising effects of the hormone oxytocin (you know, that stupid orgasm chemical that gives you love feelings) on monogamous heterosexual men. When dosed with a nasal spray of oxytocin and then introduced to a sexy laday, the monogamous men were all, “Ugh, GAH-ROOOOOSSSS” and then pushed her into the garbage. Or something kind of.
A study published Tuesday in the Journal of Neuroscience has uncovered a surprising new property of oxytocin, finding that when men in monogamous relationships got a sniff of the stuff, they subsequently put a little extra space between themselves and an attractive woman they’d just met.
Oxytocin didn’t have the same effect on single heterosexual men, who comfortably parked themselves between 21 and 24 inches from the comely female stranger. The men who declared themselves in “stable, monogamous” relationships and got a dose of the hormone chose to stand, on average, about 6 1/2 inches farther away.
When researchers conducted the experiment with a placebo, they found no differences in the distance that attached and unattached men maintained from a woman they had just met.
What. Shut it. SHUT IT, SCIENCE. You’re saying there’s a way to administer a simple chemical supplement to a swollen testostoroni-Tony dongmonster and turn him into a meek, monogamous baby fawn? Well, you know what that means, grasping paranoid lamprey-wives! Just figure out how to get a hefty does of oxytocin into your man’s nostril and you’ll literally have the happiest problem-free relationship of all time for the rest of your life! It is a foolproof plan. Hakuna matata, bitchez!
But if, for some reason, he doesn’t want to breathe into this rag, here are some back-up tips for keeping your man’s dick in his pants.